A Wedding (6×08)

So…the end is approaching, rapidly. Glee has wrapped; for the season, for the series, forever, and Tumblr and Twitter are littered with heartfelt tweets from the cast and sobbing Gleeks. Glee has meant so much to me, more than any other television show ever has, and if you’re reading this then I guess you’re kinda invested in the show, too.

There will be time in a few weeks to write a proper goodbye to this amazing show, so for now I just want to give you all a big hug and tell you to ‘hang in there’. Yes, we’re grieving for the characters we love; for the excitement of the new episodes, and for the appearances of our favourite actors. Yes, it can be incredibly upsetting, but it will pass. There will be other shows, and other actors, and new songs which will never get the Glee treatment.

However, Glee will always have a special place in our hearts, and we’ll be able to look back and smile at the adventures that we so eagerly awaited. It will be okay to move on, because Glee will forever be in our hearts, and we’ll always be Gleeks.

 

A Wedding

Brittana, Artie, the fabulous Mrs Lopez (oh Gloria Estefan, how we’ve missed you!) and Mrs Pierce are in a pretty fabulous barn in north-east Indiana. It is helpfully explained that gay marriage is illegal in Ohio, and also that this was the barn that Brittany was born in. Brittany’s mother explained to whole squeamish story in detail, and the characters were as grossed out as I was.

Because the whole gang is there, of course, they busy themselves with setting up the decorations. Kurt, looking incredible in the swankiest pair of jeans I’ve ever seen him in, is in charge. By the time night falls, Tina is dragging around a bale of hay and complaining that the newbies aren’t talking to her, while Kurt seems to have done nothing but wander around with his clipboard. That boy is a born leader, I tell ya.

Brittany is concerned that a) the hayloft will collapse on the guests; b) that they still haven’t had the final wedding dress fittings and that c) Martina Navratilova isn’t coming to the wedding. I’m seeing her mother’s influence on her more and more. “How’d you cope with wedding planning?” Britt asks Kurt. “We called it off” he replied. To deflect Brittany’s continued comments about his relationship rotations and Walter the catfish, Kurt suggests Burt officiates the wedding. Brittany doesn’t remember who Burt is.

The girls go with Santana and Brittany to try on wedding dresses (most of which are gorgeous) but sadly Britt feels the need to slaughter a chicken because Santana saw her in her dress before the wedding. Luckily for us and the chicken Santana sets the poor bird free, presumably to wander the halls of McKinley forever.

At the Lima Bean, Kurt and his Catfish are discussing wedding suits. Well, Cat is – Kurt is busy telling him that he’s taking Blaine to the wedding instead. Cat is surprisingly calm with this, could it be that he (like the rest of the world) has always realised that Kurt’s heart is with Blaine? And that even if it wasn’t, there was no way fabulous, fruity Kurt should be tied down to a guy with grandkids? Or was he just saving face; I don’t know.

Anyway, Cat gives Kurt a speech about young love and its clichés, while Kurt is obviously thinking shut the hell up so I can leave. And when he leaves, that boy runs to Blaine’s new house as fast as his ridiculously long legs will carry him.

Side note: Chris Colfer, is, obviously, a fine specimen of a young man, but seeing him in full motion will the coif bouncing in the wind is a thing of beauty and should be compulsory viewing. Running Colfer can save the world, Running Colfer can heal the sick, Running Colfer can fix the economy and even get Leo his Oscar (well, maybe not that).

Kurt arrives at the house, where Blainey is wearing a shirt that matches his wall, a rug, and his collection of neon jackets. Kurt breathlessly asks him to go to the wedding, “unless there’s someone else” and Blaine replies “there’s no-one else” (duh) before an Epic Kiss. That popping sound you heard was the echo of Klainers’ hearts exploding with joy, bless.

In the auditorium, Tina is telling the guys that she’s going to propose to Mike. Yes, Mike, her ex, who presumably lives in Chicago and texts her a lot. So yeah, that’s a good reason to get married. The guys are horrified, naturally, except our dear sweet romantic Blaine, who is “Team Chang Chang” all the way. Given Blaine’s idealistic view of love and romance, could we expect anything else?

It’s the wedding day, and the gang and loads of extras are outside the barn, which looks like something straight out of Country Living magazine. The sun is blazing and the trees are green and you can hear the Waltons calling to each other over the mountain. Puck is in his Air Force service dress, because obviously that’s all he’s allowed to wear.

However, costuming niggles aside, we set eyes for the first time on the glorious Pam Anderson. She is everything I’d hoped Blaine’s mother to be; beautiful, warm, and slightly out-of-place but doing a really good job of hiding it. She introduces herself to Carol and Ms Estefan – I’m hoping she’s at least met Kurt – and that’s all we get. Well.

Blaine and Kurt are there too, looking delicious in their wedding outfits, posing as American Gothic with a pitchfork. Kurt is worried his eyebrows are going to get stuck, and they’re both wearing the most adorable frowns. This picture (and various edits) have been circulating Tumblr for days with good reason; it’s everything we love about Klaine – cute, sweet, and just a little…well, you know, it’s Klaine.

In the hayloft, Puck is busy telling Mike how “easy” the Air Force is when Tina approaches. You can just tell by Mike’s expression that this isn’t going to end well. Meanwhile Kurt and Blaine are talking to Burt and Carol about weddings, how Klaine were “young and foolish” (Kurt) but you still have to “take every second of every day and wring every last bit out of it” (Carol).

Brittany is busy freaking out with pre-wedding nerves, and Santana sweetly comforts her by saying that “the rules don’t apply to us”. Unfortunately that doesn’t mean the rule about “something borrowed, something blue” because Brittany is wearing Tina’s blue underwear. Nice.

Sue, who wasn’t invited to the wedding, interrupts them with her gift…Santana’s abuela. Sue, trying her best, had accosted Mrs Lopez at her house and she was now standing in front of her granddaughter, whom she rejected outright not too long ago, wanting forgiveness. Although she still doesn’t believe in two women getting married, Mrs L does believe in family, apparently.

She doesn’t want to be the person who causes Santana pain, and doesn’t want to miss the birth of her children or anything else. Santana threw her out anyway, because frankly – when the first thing she says is how much she hates gay marriage you know there’s trouble a ‘coming.

Wait no, that’s what I would do if it was me, but because Santana is so attached to this bigoted woman she forgives her. You’ll rue the day, my dear, you’ll rue the day.

As the guests take their seats, Sue asks Klaine to follow her as she has a “legitimate Brittana emergency”, which turns out to be two very scary cardboard cut-outs of Klaine in a back room wearing black tuxedos. Brittany reveals that she looked up to Klaine as a couple and when they cancelled their wedding her dream died. “I want my dream back” she says. Kurt’s horrified expression says he instantly gets what she means, but Blaine, bless him, is clueless.

“We have two tuxes,” says Sue, “do we have two grooms?”

You’re crazy, says Kurt, we just got back together and we still need to work on all the underlying issues of why we broke up in the first place (he didn’t say exactly that, obviously, because this is Glee, but work with me) so there’s no question of us getting married until we’re comfortable enough to move back in together (will won’t be for a few months) and then concentrate on our careers and finish growing as individuals so we are fully capable of emotionally fulfilling a marriage which should be two adults choosing to be together rather than two kids barely into their 20s pushed together in the romance of a barn wedding who have yet to fully realise what they really want out of themselves let alone each other. Phew.

“There is no possible way…” says Kurt. “I don’t know” says Blaine. “These last few months without you have been…I love you but”. But. BUT. See breathless paragraph above.

Mercedes and Artie sing At Last as Kurt (wearing the black tux) walks Brittany down the aisle, followed by Blaine and Santana. I must say Kurt and Blaine look unbelievably gorgeous in their outfits, especially Kurt’s, which is actually black camouflage with flecks of bronze. Beautiful.

 

twentyoneklaine.tumblr.com

twentyoneklaine.tumblr.com

Burt begins the ceremony in his usual down-home way, and his best line is about having to drive over the state line to officiate as gay marriage is illegal in Ohio. And yeah, I guess that Blaine and Kurt agreed to marry seeing as they’ve changed clothes and all. The couples share their vows, which are sweet and emotional and can’t fail to bring a tear to your eye.

Because this is the Klaine and Brittana wedding, because so many fans have been wanting this for years, and because our sweet, strong Kurt is getting married, legally! here is the ceremony in full. Words can’t do justice to these guys.

They’re works in progress, don’t cha know.

Pierce Pierce, who spent the entire ceremony in the bathroom, gives a wedding toast which quickly escalates into a diatribe about how ugly every girl in the barn is, except Brit of course. He might not be her biological father but there’s a solid gold argument for nurture over nature if ever there was one.

Brittana brought “OTP” hats for everyone – oh Glee writers, aren’t you droll – and they all launch into a raucous performance of Hey Ya. Blaine and Pam are just the cutest, most adorable dancers. A++ casting there for Ma Anderson, guys.

After the dance, Tina awkwardly proposes to Mike, and you can see the poor guy is trying his best to let her down gently. “We have our whole lives ahead of us, and who knows where we’ll be in a year” says Mike, aka the only voice of reason on the entire show.

The mothers, calling themselves “The Troubletones”, have changed into matching dresses with way too many fringes and, led by Ms Estefan, sing I’m So Excited by The Pointer Sisters. They are helped by Mercedes’ wonderful singing and Sugar’s awful dancing.

Kurt, blushing adorably at calling his spouse “husband” for the first time, Blaine, Santana and Brittany are next with an odd choice of song, Our Day Will Come. A nice touch is Rachel getting a smile from Carol; which is taken as permission to dance (and any other things they might do, I suppose). An horrific touch is Puck with his long-sleeved dress shirt rolled up to the elbows. Tsk tsk

Puck has other problems though, namely a very drunk Pam Anderson flopping all over him on the dance floor; cue Puckam fanfics. Oh Blainey, is he your new daddy?

The next day (or not, who the hell knows with Glee time) Artie and Tina are in the choir room discussing the failed Tike proposal. They make the pact to marry each other by 30. Cue Tartie fanfics.

In the auditoriums, Klaine and Brittana – or the AnderHummels and LoPierces as Sue calls them – are standing around because yep, that’s definitely what you do the day after you get married. Go to your old high school. Yes indeedy.

Sue appears with gifts for them both; a month-long honeymoon in the Bahamas for Brittana and a weekend away in Massachusetts for Klaine. A month…a weekend. Yeah, I’m not saying anything about that.

The couples look ridiculously in love, and Colfer is rocking a cat shirt, as they discuss future anniversary plans (although we all know Kurt is planning their follow-up ceremony in New York with specially designed wings and mojitos). Ah, young love. And it’s Glee, so nothing can go wrong, right? Right?

 

Songs

At Last (Etta James) – Mercedes & Artie A

I’m very protective of this song, probably because I’ve seen it butchered on so many reality singing shows. However, Amber’s vocals were flawless as always, and it made a lovely song for walking down the aisle.

Hey Ya (OutKast) – Artie C

Not the biggest fan of the original song, and the audio didn’t do a lot for me either, but I quite enjoyed it in the show. The lively performance was a lot of fun, although there are thousands of poppy songs which would have been better.

I’m So Excited (The Pointer Sisters) – The Troubletones C

As wonderful as it was to hear Ms Estefan sing (finally!) the whole song was a bit too silly. I loved Pam Anderson flouncing around though and she was the best part of the performance.

Our Day Will Come (Ruby & The Romantics) – Santana, Brittany, Blaine & Kurt A-

I really liked this, although of course would’ve preferred Brittana and Klaine to have their own wedding songs. A really sweet, gentle song that fit the mood perfectly.

 

Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts

I have to say, Kurt (and Blaine) looked fabulous both in their white and black wedding outfits. Kurt’s outfits this episode were especially spectacular but the tuxedos were the icing on the (wedding) cake.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Kurt solo this week is the wonderful, powerful I’m Still Here from season five. Hummel at his finest.

Transitioning (6×07)

Glee hit a milestone last week; the very last song was recorded. The studio is closed (metaphorically) and the lights are out. It’s been a long six years, and there have been some duds (Run Joey Run), some okays (Roar) and some are-you-kidding-me-that’s-the-best-thing-I’ve-ever-heards (Being Alive). But, like them or love them, show tuner or head banger, Glee covers are a part of musical history, and we’re privileged to have witnessed the hit-and-miss first hand.

I really don’t think that people in five or ten years, seeing Glee for the first time, will understand the thrill of First Listen Fridays or the sweet anticipation of the Full Performance Of videos. Non-Gleeks were, and still are, surprised that the cast could actually sing, but we know that vocal prowess is just part of the package. Each song takes you back to that scene, that outfit, that storyline and just won’t let go, and I don’t ever want them to. Don’t stop believing.

 

Transitioning

Just when I was hoping we wouldn’t see Max George again, there he is, in the middle of the screen, screeching out an awful rendition of You Give Love A Bad Name. On behalf of Glee, I’d like to apologise to Bon Jovi and all other hairbands. Please forgive.

I do like it when the writers show us continuity; that little blue clunker with the dragging muffler that we seeing chugging along? Season one, episode one memories come flooding back. The little car was a juxtaposition to Will’s nice, new SUV which his voiceover says is one of the perks of working for Vocal Adrenaline, along with his own masseuse, presents from the booster club and a pay check so big he’s bumped into the next tax bracket.

Will and Emma (and it’s really nice to see Jayma back, the real Jayma that is) are walking Danny through the park while Will complains about how Vocal Adrenaline have no heart and inspiration – wait, he didn’t know that when he took the job? Anyway, Blaine and Rachel run up to meet them covered in eggshells. Yep, Blaine’s pristine hair was no covered in raw egg after an attack by Vocal Adrenaline.  Again, Will, did you really not know what you were getting into?

We next see Will in the auditorium at Carmel High, trying to teach the VA kids about tolerance and getting laughed at. So, because these teenagers are so open to persuasion, he decides to bring on a Carmel alum, Unique, and sing a pretty horrific version of Same Love. Obviously, Vocal Adrenaline were still giggling after the performance was over, but who wouldn’t after hearing Will’s awful accent as he “rapped”.

At McKinley, Sheldon Beiste is making his entrance, and is welcomed by Sam asking to talk about “guy stuff” and Sue declaring how she’s always been against bullying; right before she excuses herself to do some “fat shaming”. Okay then.

In the teachers’ lounge, Rachel is upset that her childhood home has finally been sold. Sam, bless him, tries his best to empathise by talking about when he was actually, really homeless and is shut down by Rachel who refuses to feel guilty about anything anyone else has ever been through. As it’s everyone’s job to make Rachel feel better; Sam, Kurt, Mercedes, Blaine and Kitty are discussing her “homelessness”, and it turns into a discussion about growing up and life changes. Almost like the kind of discussions they had two years ago when they actually left high school, the first time that is.

In Sue’s office, Beiste is telling her and Will about the repugnant graffiti written on his car, which was also decorated with an eight-pack of toilet paper. The vandals were Vocal Adrenaline, of course, yet Will is still shocked. He does vow to get even with them, so that’s alright.

We’re in the choir room and Rachel is announcing the theme for this week when she is rudely interrupted by Kurt, who although co-coach is apparently not allowed to change Rachel’s lesson plan. It’s all smiles though, as the alums announce that they’re having a party at Rachel’s to say goodbye to her house. Artie, who is back in Lima yet again, has a wheel of fortune which is used to pick duet names for the party. Mercedes goes first, and picks Roderick (we’ll see the wonder that is their fantastic duet later) and then it’s Kurt’s turn.

Side note: I get really annoyed when we are already several scenes in with no Chris Colfer. He’s the main reason I stuck with Glee all these years and I want him in every scene, okay? Okay.

The wheel spins and lands on “Artie”, but with a little help from Kurt’s finger it clicks around once more and lands on Blain’s name. Kurt pulls his “oh, look at this coincidence” face that reeks of adorable guilt. Blaine is onto Kurt though, and is all smiles when Kurt joins him in the hallway. He asks Kurt to not tell Karofsky, as “he thinks there’s something between us, which there obviously isn’t”. “Obviously”, replies Kurt, and these two are clearly still so obnoxiously crazy in love with each other that you really want to bang their heads together, repeatedly.

Colfer and Darren Criss really do connect incredibly well on screen and it’s a crying shame that in a few weeks we won’t see that again. However, I really hope that we’ll get to see the adorably comical face Colfer pulls when Blaine hugs Kurt goodbye; I’ve missed Colfer’s special brand of physical comedy, his expressions are the best.

Back in the teacher’s lounge, post-gay is ranting about VA vandalising Beiste’s car. Beiste tells them it’s “been handled” and then goes on to say that Sam has been “a helluva coach” and how happy he is that they’re friends. It’s all very nice and touchy feely and nausea-inducing.

Will is doing his best to chastise Vocal Adrenaline, but “Clint”, aka Max George aka can’t act can’t sing, says they’re willing to be the bad guys because “winning is everything”. Also, they make fun of Will’s vests.

Will, uncharacteristically acting as an authority figure, throws Clint off the team. I am the team, says Clint. Shoo, Max, says I.

Will and Emma are still having the same conversation about Will’s job, i.e. his sudden realisation that VA are all about the winning and nothing else, at their apartment. Emma is doing her best to persuade him that he can get another job – especially with her pamphlet of the month money – and that baby Daniel will notice if Will sells his soul to buy him gifts. Here, we see that Emma has no experience of children. They don’t care how or why the Elsa doll arrives in their sticky hands, dammit, just give it to them. Now.

It’s Rachel’s party (yay) and her basement is decorated and filled with people who adore her. Chief of these enablers is Mercedes, who sings an incredibly good version of All About That Bass with Roderick. Noah Guthrie may have joined Glee at the eleventh hour, but geez has he made an impact. Boy can sing. Really, really well.

In the corner Kurt is bopping his is chair for all he’s worth, while Rachel is doing some sort of zombie mating dance, it appears. A really sweet touch is Kitty and Artie dancing with each other. During the song, Rachel and Sam go upstairs to what is left of Rachel’s bedroom; she’s packed everything except her photo wall, covered in pictures of her friends.

Sam, ever the cheerleader, says she’s just going to need a bigger wall when she takes it back to New York, and that he’ll always be on it in his tight gold booty shorts from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Apparently, because the image of Sam in those shorts is an aphrodisiac, Rachel kisses him; thinks about it, then lunges at him. I guess Samchel is on, then.

Everybody’s “two favourite gays”, Kurt and Blaine, are next on stage with Somebody Loves You. The performance is great; the kids are all jumping around and messing with Rachel’s costume stash. Kurt jumps up and down on stage wearing an astronaut helmet and feather boa, while Blaine is busy giving him heart eyes like Kurt hung the moon and stars.

Kurt follows Blaine outside; Blaine is leaving because he and Karofsky have an early football game to get to. When Blaine brings up their first duet, Baby It’s Cold Outside, Kurt reminisces about wanting to “confess my undying love for you and give you the world’s most passionate kiss”. He rambles on about Blaine’s infamous Gap crush when Blaine, as much to shut him up as out of passion, kisses him. It’s not a teeth-smacking lunge like Rachel’s, but a delicate yet searing kiss that leaves Kurt breathless and kind of shocked. Blaine walks off without a word. See what I mean about banging heads?

Rachel and Sam duet on Time After Time, as we see the kids packing up Rachel’s pictures. As they are put into albums, the photos turn into clips from the show, which is a really nice effect.

In the locker room, Beiste is joined by Unique, who had the first trans* storyline Glee attempted.  Beiste says that although he’s happier and is fine with the effects of his surgery, he is sad to be going through it by himself. Unique says he’s not alone, and there’s an ominous beat which you just know means we’re going to revisit this later, probably in an extremely sappy way.

Will is trying to beat VA at their own game, when Clint announces that the booster club has, well, boosted him back onto the team, Will admits defeat and says he’ll do whatever it takes to ensure they win. Then, as Will Schuester is a master of psychological warfare, he pretends to have a scheme cooked up to get at New Directions. Oh gosh, we can’t wait to see it…

We’re at the Blainofsky apartment, and the guys walk in with Karofsky complaining about “fat ass Craig on defence”. Blaine is staring off into space with his patented “mooning after Kurt” face which apparently Karofsky has just recognised. When he asks what the matter is, Blaine tells him that he and Kurt sang a duet, but the moon face (complete with bonus puppy eyes) prompts Karofsky to ask “did he kiss or you kiss him?” Finally.

“I was lucky enough to get a couple of months in with you” says Karofsky, which makes Blaine sound a little like a rental car but comes from the right place. Yes, Karofsky was an awful bully and made Kurt’s life hell (literally) but he may be a little redeemed as he tells Blaine to go get him man. He’ll be okay, he has fat ass Craig on defence’s number.

Blaine runs down the hallway (in slo-mo of course) to tell Kurt that he loves him and wants to spend the rest of his life with him and wait, here’s Walter. Yep, just as Blaine sees Kurt putting on his jacket the catfish appears, and with a short “neat tie” blows Blaine’s hopes out of the water and enrages Klainers across the globe.

Rachel and Sam, who barge in the room oblivious (as Kurt is too, it seems) are going on a double date with Kurt and Cat, to Breadsticks for their chicken parm dipping balls. Mm-hmm.

Blaine’s face after they left was a picture of defeat, but there’s a strength there that I haven’t seen before, almost as if now that’s he’s learned to live without Kurt he knows it’s possible. He just doesn’t want to. Kurt doesn’t want that either, and we all know it. Bang. Heads.

In the auditorium, Will is creeping in with VA, telling them about boxes of KY Jelly which will soon be spread all over the stage. Or will it? Suddenly Unique walks out, singing a dreadful dirge, I Know Where I’ve Been, but looking quite spiffy, and the jig is up. It’s all a plan to show Vocal Adrenaline how, if we all sing and make nice, we can be friends. Sappy.

Unique is backed by a trans* choir – definitely the best thing about the song – which Beiste jumps into as he joins in with the singing. Surprisingly, VA aren’t convinced by the sing-along, and Clint is only happy after Will quits. Yay Will, but geez took you long enough.

In the choir room, Kurt offers Will the job of unpaid special alumni consultant for New Directions (presumably with Rachel’s permission) which Will of course drools over. There’s some nice easy chatter amongst the three ND bosses which lets us dare to dream that it might all end happily. But, it’s Glee.

 

Songs

You Give Love A Bad Name (Bon Jovi) – Vocal Adrenaline B-

We only got a few seconds of this song in the show, which is a good thing because I can’t stand to see Max George sing. Definitely better with audio only.

Same Love (Macklemore) – Will & Unique C

Unique’s part was okay, but Will – really? I don’t know which was worse; the rapping or the fake accent. No more, please.

All About That Bass (Meghan Trainor) – Mercedes & Roderick A+

Love this! Noah’s voice is the most incredible new voice on Glee since season two and everything he does sounds awesome. We could’ve done without other people interrupting the performance, though.

Somebody Loves You (Betty Who) – Kurt & Blaine A+

I don’t like Betty Who’s music, but this is a great cover by the guys. Chris sounds especially awesome, and it’s nice to hear him get more than a couple of lines in a duet. The performance was fantastic; lots of fun and jumping around.

Time After Time (Cyndi Lauper) – Rachel & Sam A

I adore the original and this is a pretty decent cover. Lea was careful to not over sing the lyrics and it worked. Wonderful.

I Know Where I’ve Been (from Hairspray) – Unique and the trans* choir C

A dirge, really, but its heart was in the right place.

 

Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts

Mr Hummel had some fabulous looks this week; I’m very happy to see the little extras like brooches and chains back. Enjoy the gifs; you might want to sit down for a while to look at them. Perhaps a few hours?

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

A treat for you this week; Kurt singing Blackbird at Dalton. Chris handled this huge song perfectly, and it’s one of my all-time favourites. Poor Pavarotti.

What The World Needs Now (6×06)

This is what you missed on Glee…

Sue locked Blaine and Kurt in a fake elevator, ‘forcing’ them to kiss to escape. Kitty and post-gay have joined New Directions, and they won the Invitationals.

Blaine and Kurt were missing for the competition; they were kissing. Rachel and Will are friends again, and Samchel may be on, but Sue hypnotised Sam so anything could be happening really.

Kurt is dating late-middle-aged liar Walter, but he kissed Blaine in the elevator. Also, JigSue.

 

What The World Needs Now

We’re with Sam and Rachel in a McKinley hallway, arranging a ‘date’. Aww. Sam suggests the only place in Lima to eat/meet/do anything, i.e. Breadsticks, and as they part we segue into I’ll Never Fall In Love Again. Cue shots of them wandering aimlessly through yet more hallways, going up and downstairs while singing (safety note: don’t do this at home kids) until eventually they end up outside by the concrete stairs, where they awkwardly bump into each other in front of a kissing couple. I’m not the biggest Samchel shipper (not at all actually) but they do look kinda cute together.

In Brittany’s bedroom, she is doing an impossibly complex maths problem which she has somehow drawn into a cat, with her parents there looking confused. Apparently, Brittany’s mother has decided to tell her where she got her mathematical prowess from – and it’s not Pierce Pierce with his IQ of 60. To reiterate this, because Glee thinks most of its viewers are at the same level of intelligence, Pierce throws in a silly comment every couple of minutes. It gets old very quickly.

It turns out that Brittany’s father is actually the man with whom her mother had a fling after meeting in a pub – because the Brits are always in pubs don’t you know – Stephen Hawking. Yup, the ‘robot’ as Pierce calls him is the source of Britt’s genius. Okay.

Brittany tells her parents her own surprise; that she and Santana are getting married. Mama is overjoyed as is her ‘father’, although he’s also a little confused, obviously.

Sam and Rachel run into each other in the hallway and babble about why they both missed the Breadsticks date. Sam tells Rachel that he has a ‘little thing’ for her but still has a thing for Mercedes. And oh yeah, he has to run and teach a health class. Rachel must be confused as to how he can actually ‘teach’ a class because she replies with ‘I love you’. Total mental bewilderment can be the only excuse for that.

In the choir room, Kurt and Rachel are telling New Directions about their theme for the week – Burt Bacharach. Kurt – in one of the few times this episode he actually speaks – is very excited and does his adorable jumping around thing which makes the most wonderful gifs.

‘We need to soak up all the uplifting energy we can for Sectionals, which is five weeks away’. Five weeks eh? Won’t that be around the same time as the conclusion of Sue’s Klaine plan?

Kurt says they have a secret weapon, and that’s the cue for Mercedes to bound in the room. She’s always so smiley. Mercedes’ song Shaking My Head is number 89 on iTunes, and the kids are thrilled to have an actual star in their midst.

Mercedes is telling Rachel how weird it is to see her in the teachers’ lounge (tell me about it) and that Rachel’s place is in New York. When Rachel says she can’t go back, Mercedes says she has lined up an audition for Rachel, and has some ‘old school inspiration’ for her. Bring on the violent pink costumes and Motown girl-group choreography; it’s Baby It’s You and it’s kinda boring.

Brittany has asked Artie to be her wedding planner, and says that ‘scissors, lady kisses and tuna’ are the things that remind her of Santana. Sensing that they might not be at all appropriate for a wedding, Artie suggests a Heaven theme, and we see a quite adorable performance of Wishin’ And Hoping with everyone dressed as angels prancing about in white smoke. Also, Blaine is on a swing. I don’t know why.

Mercedes tells the New Directions (and Kurt, because yeah let’s just boss him around with everyone else) that they need to make Rachel ‘homesick for New York’. Lima isn’t just good enough for her, apparently. Kurt? He’s fine in Lima guys, no help needed…

Santana and Brittany are planning their wedding and Santana is saying how much she wishes he abuela was going to be there. So Brittany, naturally enough, dresses up as a candy striper and goes to Mrs Lopez’ house, pretending to be her new nurse.

Mrs L is taken in, of course, and eagerly chats to Brittany about weddings, love and telenovelas. Also, Brittany speaks Spanish now, and once ‘popped a hip’ in the throes of passion. Nice.

Brittany invites abuela onto Fondue For Two, renamed Queso Por Dos in her honour (I’m reliably informed by a friend on Twitter that is should be ‘para’). When Brittany says that maybe she and her ‘fiancé’ should elope, abuela says that no, when two souls are united there should be celebration. Of course, Santana is watching the whole thing on her laptop. Convenient, isn’t it?

In the auditorium the guys are looking fabulous in top hat and tails to sing Arthur’s Theme for Rachel. It’s a sweet performance, and Rachel flashes back to some pivotal NYC scenes, including her arrival in the red suit, and hugging a scrumptious-looking Kurt by the fountain. Ah, good times.

However, Rachel says that she’s not ready to go back, but Mercedes, who has nothing else to do except bolster Rachel Berry once again, says she ain’t leaving ‘til Rachel is.

Santana is upset with Brittany for Queso Para (thanks Anna!) Dos – aren’t we all – but Brittany makes an uncannily astute and perceptive speech about how young people should educate old farts, and they end up kissing. There was a lot more to Brittany’s speech, but it was so out of character, and about three years too late, that I was too stunned to make a note.

Sam is wandering around the school singing (again) only this time it’s Close To You. He eventually runs into Mercedes, who tells him that it’s time to move on and he should date Rachel. But wait – does that mean she wants him to tag along with Rachel to NYC too? Make up your mind, dear.

Mercedes is dating a Christian rock star called ‘Tank’ and although Sam is a little jealous Samcedes has definitely been friend zoned, so that’s alright then.

Rachel has decided to take the audition in New York, so asks Mercedes to look after the Glee Club. ‘But what about Kurt?’ says Mercedes. Are you kidding me? Says I.

‘He works better with collaboration, I don’t want the kids singing Into The Woods’ says Rachel. Are you high? Says I.

It all descends into tears as Rachel says how scared she is, and Mercedes says well that’s what happens when you foolishly burn your bridges and now you have to live with the consequences.

No, I jest.

Because this is Glee, Mercedes says something about not being scared to fail and that we all have to do it. Yes we do Mercedes, especially in certain professions like oh the performing arts, where auditioning and failing are part of the life. But, this is Glee.

Rachel’s audition song is Promises Promises, and we see her on the bus to NYC and in the theatre. She’s back where she belongs.

Brittany has brought Mrs Lopez to the auditorium, and we see Santana in a beautiful red gown sing Alfie. Abuela is surprised, but not in a good way, and is still against the Brittana marriage. Santana tells her that she loves her, but that she and Brittany is what real love looks like, and if she has to choose between the two of them it’s going to be Britt Britt. Aw.

Mrs Lopez leaves, and I hope that’s the last we see of her. Sometimes, ignorance just can’t be reasoned with.

Back in the McKinley staff room, Rachel is giddy after her audition and tells Mercedes she has never felt more at peace. Sam comes in, and after Mercedes’ tactful exit he and Rachel agree to reschedule the date and this time they’re going to…Breadsticks! Aha, had you going there didn’t I.

Brittana are escorted to their seats in the auditorium as Rachel announces that they have a problem with the seating arrangements at the wedding, as all of Santana’s family want to attend. The Glee Club and the alumni then saunter on stage, and Kurt says ‘family embrace you no matter what’. You remember Kurt don’t, you? He helps out Rachel with the Glee Club but not much else. He’s there to look pretty in the background. At least that’s what the writers think.

The group begin the Group Number Which Usually Ends An Episode Of Glee, namely What The World Needs Now. Also, it’s Glee’s 700th song, which is equal parts ‘awesome’ and ‘oh my God it’s really ending isn’t it’.

It’s the weekly dinner (or congratulatory dinner for Brittana I don’t know) at Will’s house, and this time we get to see token redhead Emma and adorably chubby baby Daniel.

As the song plays in the background, Blaine arrives late – it seems to be his thing – and he and Kurt (you remember him?) hug, slightly less awkwardly then last time. Then, in the best scene of the entire episode, Kurt looks out in the hallway for Karofsky, sees he’s not there, then gives one of those patented ‘oh that’s no big deal but really I’m secretly overjoyed but I won’t show it but I can’t help but smirk oh I’m such a little shit’ smirks that only Hummel can do.

Chris Colfer can project the entire condition of a relationship with an eyebrow raise, and just in case you don’t believe me here it is. See what I mean about gifs?

 

kurtscoffee.tumblr.com

kurtscoffee.tumblr.com

 

Songs

(I apologise for the negativity, this was the worst episode for songs since Bad Reputation)

I’ll Never Fall In Lovfe Again (Dionne Warwick) – Rachel & Sam D

Yeah, could’ve done without this in the episode. I had it muted.

Baby It’s You (The Shirelles) – Alumni (female) C

I don’t really see the point of this song, and the whole thing annoys me, particularly Rachel’s performance which is even more conceited than usual. Mercedes’ vocal are great though, as usual.

Wishin’ and Hoping (Dusty Springfield) – Blaine, Brittany, Artie & Sam C

This song would’ve been a lot better if not for Brittany; her voice just doesn’t go with the others. The angel scene was sweet though; the guys’ harmonies were the best parts.

Arthur’s Theme (Christopher Cross) – Alumni & New Directions (male) B

I love the original, and this is a pretty decent cover. The setting was the top hats was wonderful, too. My favourite song of the episode.

(They Long to Be) Close to You (Carpenters) – Sam B-

One of my favourite Carpenters songs, and no-one one will ever do it justice. Chord did okay, but there’s just no emotion in his voice. Sigh.

Promises, Promises (Dionne Warwick) – Rachel D

I don’t like this either, it just seems like more needless navel-gazing for Rachel. What a waste.

Alfie (Cilla Black) – Santana C+     

Naya sounds great but I don’t like the song, and it’s all a little pretentious.

What the World Needs Now (Jackie DeShannon) – Alumni B

A nice group song, but not great or rousing like groups numbers usually are. Everyone sang well. That’s all I have to say about that…

 

Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts

One of the things I’m going to miss most about Glee will be Hummel’s outfits. I mean honestly, the costume department must think they’ve died and gone to heaven – Colfer looks amazing in everything.

However, as Kurt had so few scenes this week (and even fewer lines) I’ve put together a gif gallery for you. Enjoy!

“If the Olympics had a gossip event, Kurt would be Mark Spitz” Mercedes

“Rachel and I want our champions to celebrate another champion”

“You look like Peter Pan, but in a retirement home sorta way. I know a guy” Brittany

“Family are the people who embrace you with open arms, no matter what”

This slideshow requires JavaScript.


This week’s Kurt solo is a favourite from season five, Lucky Star. It’s from the episode Chris wrote, and I was really hoping he’d write some more for the final season. Well, seeing as how Ryan is apparently ordering rewrites with only a few weeks to go, maybe there’s still time…

Now, if only I could make a Peter Pan costume like that.

 

The Hurt Locker, Part Two (6×05)

This is what you missed on Glee…

Sue set up an Invitational show choir competition between New Directions, Vocal Adrenaline and the Warblers. We saw Vocal Adrenaline’s performances and yeah, they were weird. We also saw Sue’s ‘Hurt Locker’, a storage unit filled with memorabilia of her enemies and, in the back, an enormous shrine to Klaine. I know several people on tumblr who would sell their soul to get on that set.

Kurt met his online date, who turned out to be in his 50s, with an ex-wife and two kids Kurt’s age. Sue hypnotised Sam to destroy the Glee Club renaissance and break Rachel’s heart, and Rachel is just lapping it up.

Also, New Directions is up to four members, but they are all very good singers so that’s okay.

 

The Hurt Locker, Part Two

We’re in the auditorium, right after the Vocal Adrenaline performance we left at last week. Sue, much to everyone’s dismay, changes the rules; rule one is that the theme is now ‘old school’, number two is that there are ‘no rules’ and yep, the competition is now a three day event. The Warblers will perform tomorrow and New Directions the day after. Gee, it’s almost as if Glee is conveniently letting you know the timeframe of the episode…

In the first of what is an epic hour of Glee meta, Sue reminds everyone of the most important show choir rule – 12 members – then adds that this is the rule people always seem to forget about. Hmm. Rachel and Kurt decide that the must recruit Kitty, despite the fact that Rachel is so self-obsessed that she never bothered to learn the names of the season four newbies. Hey, at least she admits it.

In Breadsticks, and Walter is telling Kurt of the time when a woman gave birth at one of the tables in the ‘90s. Breadsticks really is the only place in town. While Walter is prattling on, Kurt’s inner monologue is deciding whether or not this is a date. No, Kurt it is not. He fibbed to you about his ex-wife, his adult kids; ya’know, the important stuff. However, Kurt is nothing if not big-hearted, and when Walter leaves the decision to him agrees that it’s their second date.

Sue’s Klaine campaign is not to be derailed however, as she shows up as their waitress complete with a prom pic badge and oodles of zingers; a ‘Sippy cup for sonny’, Ensure for Walter (and his own Klaine badge) and a ‘children’s menu for baby’. Yes, Walter isn’t that old in real life terms, but compared to Kurt he’s positively ancient. Sue departs after Walter shuts her down, promising to return with his haemorrhoid pillow.

Bathed in pink light back at her Klaine shrine, Sue tells Becky about the couple by playing videos, form the auditorium kiss of The First Time to their performance of Come What May. ‘But how can you film a dream sequence?’ says Becky, adding that they can barely look at each other. Sue then utters the phrase which will be spinning around Tumblr for eons;

“Their chemistry is so intense Becky, if they were actually to make eye contact oh my, the emotion would be such they’d have to disappear behind the nearest dumpster and just hump hump hump hump hump.” Sue explains that the next part of her Klaine plan will end in ‘sticky frottage’. Okay.

Rachel is convincing, well begging really, Kitty to join New Directions. ‘You’re inherently selfish’ says Kitty to Rachel. Got that right. ‘Glee Club needs a top bitch’ says Rachel. All this truthing going around, I don’t know if I can handle it.

In the hallway, Blaine is coming out of the faculty bathroom, because he’s always wanted to use it, and now he’s kind of faculty so he can. Bless him. He and Kurt make their way to the auditorium to hear the Warblers, when lo and behold there’s an elevator. Kurt grumbles about McKinley installing it after they graduated, when really he should’ve been suspicious as hell and hauled ass outta there. But, no, the two go in, and only realise something is wrong when a) the lights go off, b) the lights go back on and none of the buttons will work. Oh, there’s also a bathroom in the elevator, so that might’ve been kind of a hint.

Back in the auditorium, Rachel is looking for Kurt and Sue mentions that the head Warbler, who has “some kind of fey name” said that Blaine is missing too. Strangely, Rachel doesn’t immediately suspect Sue has something to do with it. Maybe she’s new.

Anyway, the Warblers bound in to their rendition of My Sharona, then segue into You Spin Me Round. The New Directions look kinda terrified at their performance, but it could be all the awkward leaping around. Sue is loving it, almost as much as Jane Lynch is loving hamming up her character.

In the auditorium, Sue is again hypnotising Sam as part of her ‘break Rachel’s heart’ plan. She want Sam to convince Rachel to use what might be the world’s worst set list, including Justified And Ancient by The KLF and Tammy Wynette, which I actually kinda like.

We next see Rachel on the phone with the police, reporting a missing person. Apparently though the policeman on the other end has seen That’s So Rachel and Rachel hangs up when he starts dissing her acting. She’s not too worried though as Sam tells her that they’re probably at Sheets & Things registering for their wedding. Sheets & Things? Kurt Hummel? Guys, do you not know him at all?

Sam, in the middle of professing his love for Rachel, shoves the sheet music for Sue’s songs at her. Sam refers to Mercedes as ‘that old hag’, then is snapped out of his hypnosis by Rachel clicking her fingers. Rachel determines to go by her own instincts when it comes to Glee Club, even if it’s against her better judgement. Yeah, she’s gonna need all the help she can get.

In the elevator, Kurt and Blaine are getting fraught. I hope neither of them are claustrophobic. Blaine is nagging Kurt about not charging his phone every night (I do that too, and yeah my battery is shot) when a panel in the elevator opens and, enveloped in a cloud of smoke, in comes probably the best thing to come out of Glee, ever, even better than the Kurt puppet. It’s a Sue doll on a trike with a hideous yet immediately recognisable face – yes, it’s JigSue.

‘You’re trapped in an elevator where you’ll be forced to eat each other and then suffocate’ says JigSue. The only way out is to kiss – the collective intake of breath from Klainers around the world threatened to suffocate the rest of us. I was quite dizzy.

The guys attempt a feeble air kiss, but no, JigSue wants them to ‘really go at it’. Poor Klainers, this episode is going to be the death of them. At Blaine’s insistence that they’re not going to kiss for Sue, JigSue leaves and a hamper of food scoots out of the bathroom. Guys, just give in, you know you want to.

In Rachel’s office, she is complaining about the set list when Kitty offers to retrieve some very special songs from Sue’s office, having bribed Becky with “snack foods made of real sugar and animal shortening” to get access. Sue has a collection of songs to which she is ‘emotionally vulnerable’ and Rachel and Kitty get their hands on them. Oh Sue, if only you knew what you were in for.

In the locker room, Sam is trying to get Spencer, aka post-gay, to join the Glee Club. However, despite all he said about not caring what people think of him and his sexuality etc etc, post-gay is actually really worried about what the guys on the football team will think about him if he joins New Directions. Sam points at Finn’s framed jersey, which post-gay is conveniently sitting under, and explains how when Finn joined the Glee Club everything changed. It did, and we’ll miss Finn forever, but we really don’t need a replacement for him, especially with seven episodes left.

The police have arrived at Rachel’s office to search for Kurt (and Blaine, I assume) and it turns out the grumpy cop is actually the coach from the deaf glee club that performed in season one. Their funding has been taken away, so the coach is biding his time waiting for their return. He’s still kinda rude, though. As he rummages through the office, CopCoach says that Klaine probably eloped to New York, where they belong. But no, you don’t belong there Rachel, because you’re a quitter. Oh, and Blaine’s not gonna end up with that bully.

See what I mean about meta, or at least the Glee writers making fun of basically every fandom complaint that’s been tweeted or blog. No wonder they needed an eight month hiatus.

In the choir room, Kitty is defending Rachel’s talent to ND (yes, I know) and post-gay walks in and announces that he’s on the team. So, that make six New Directions; halfway there! In the elevator, Kurt and Blaine are trying to break out the ceiling hatch, and alternately sleeping while the other one watches them sleep. If it weren’t so obvious that these two are madly in love with each other, it would be kinda creepy.

It is New Direction’s turn to perform, which means Kurt and Blaine have been missing for about a day and a half. The six Glee Clubbers look adorable in blue, and Will and Rachel are now best friends again after the mailbox shenanigans of last week. They have realised that Sue was behind it all, which was obvious from the beginning of course. As Will tells Rachel to break a leg Sue appears with a bag of rotten tomatoes. Sue is the undoubted Queen of timing.

In the elevator, Kurt and Blaine have shed their jackets/sweaters/vests, but because it’s Kurt and Blaine they still have on at least two layers. The guys are playing heads up, and there are a couple of adorable lines where they reminisce about planning to name their celebrity child Fettuccini Alfredo, and Kurt’s MC name would’ve been hot chocolate. It’s obviously driven to show how connected there are, and how they both still remember all these little things about their relationship, but it doesn’t seem fake or forced at all. Of course, that might have something to do with Chris Colfer’s acting, as well as Darren Criss, who always seems to interact better with Colfer than his other co-stars.

The magic is broken, however, when Blaine mentions Karofsky, then JigSue cycles in much to the horror of Blaine, who is acting like he’s never seen the hideous (yet cute) little thing. JigSue says that, as the two refuse to give the world ‘the Klaine romance it desires’ she is going to turn things up a notch, and a noxious gas promptly pours in through the vents, guaranteed to go ‘straight to the male genitalia’. I’m really, really hoping this episode isn’t the last we’ll see of JigSue, she says things that even human Sue can’t get away with.

Back in the auditorium, Sue apologises for New Directions as they take the stage. They begin to sing It Must’ve Been Love as we flash back to the elevator, with Klaine realising that they’re going to have to really kiss to get out, and Kurt insisting that they both agree that it means nothing.

As the scenes flash between the auditorium and the elevator, with the song always in the background, Kurt and Blaine agree to kiss on the count of three. And, because it’s Kurt and Blaine, it’s not just a kiss, but a full-on tonsil tickling tongue fest that will keep Tumblr in gifs and squee posts for the rest of the decade. JigSue cheers, the elevators doors open, Kurt and Blaine disengage (I’m sure with a sucking noise) and then take off running out of the elevator – in glorious slo-mo. Can I just say a big, big thanks to the costume department because boy, those pants on Colfer, just….boy.

Kurt and Blaine arrive back in the auditorium, and Sue is surprised, nay, horrified to see them. She has bigger things on her mind though, and as ND begin to sing Father Figure Sue flashes back to the last few Republican election losses, she sobs at the concessions speeches of Romney, Bush and McCain.

Vocal Adrenaline are annoyed at ND’s performance, but pretty livid at Will dancing along with them. As we segue into All Out Of Love Sue flashes back to failed screen tests for Star Wars and Pretty Woman. Oh dear. Kurt happily sways to the music, then catches Blaine’s eye and they share a smile. Sweet. Poor Sue is flat-out sobbing, but she’s recovered enough to award New Directions first place at the Invitational, with a surprisingly enormous gold trophy.

Clint, which is the name of the character played extremely badly by Max George, tells Will backstage that he deserted Vocal Adrenaline for his ‘prodigal troll’ Rachel Berry. George’s American accent is just about the worst thing I’ve heard come out of his mouth, including the lyrics to Whip It.

Sue tells Will that something profound has happened to her, and that she has ‘purged’ her anger. Not all of it though; she presents Will with the clean, green fork and threatens him with bodily harm should he ever litter at McKinley again. Will, you got off lightly. If only you knew…

In Sue’s office, presumably the next day as Kurt and Blaine are in new clothes, Kurt calmly reminds Sue that she could go to the federal pen for twenty years for kidnapping. As Sue blames it all on Becky, Blaine says that actually her plan backfired as the elevator escapade only reminded he and Kurt that they’re better off as friends.

Sue was surprisingly calm about this defeat, and threw around some random insults about Karofsky as her retort. Really, you would think Kurt and Blaine would know her better by now.

At the Klaine shrine, Sue is telling Becky that yes, she is not fazed at all by the ‘failure’ of the elevator, that her plan is right on schedule and yep, it’s week five so Klaine are ‘friends again.’ According to Sue’s calendar they are in October, so just a few weeks until the anniversary of when Klaine first met.

Becky seems alarmed at the tight time frame, but Sue says “We still have six more weeks for scheming, possibly seven, depending on network pre-emptions”. Yep, I now take back every bad thing I ever said about the Glee writers. They’re having a ball with this last series and I love it.

In the choir room Roderick says how Rachel and Kurt are fabulous teachers, and you can just see Kurt’s chest swell. I do love it when people compliment Hummel; it doesn’t happen on this show nearly enough.

The show ends with the Glee Club doing the ‘amazing’ show circle, and we’re lined up for a great road to Sectionals.

 

Songs

My Sharona (The Knack) – The Warblers B

I liked this, and I can so see it as a song Blaine would pick. The new Warblers are growing on me, a little.

You Spin Me Round (Dead Or Alive) – The Warblers D

Not a huge fan of the original and this version is even worse. The lead warbler is okay but the background vocals are incredibly annoying. I really liked the dancing though.

It Must Have Been Love (Roxette) – New Directions with Kitty & Spencer C

Yeah, kinda disappointed with this one. I’ve never been a fan of Kitty’s voice, and it seemed to grate with Spencer’s. Also, the fact that they sang it together all the way through was weird for me, maybe a couple of solo lines may have helped. But I doubt it.

Father Figure (George Michael) – New Directions A+

Wow. Just…I’m gobsmacked. It takes a heck of a singer to make a George Michael song his own, but Roderick has done just that. Have had this on repeat for a while.

All Out Of Love (Air Supply) – New Directions A

I liked this, although I wasn’t expecting to. Madison’s voice is delightfully sweet, and it took away from the depressing lyrics, which is a good thing.

 

Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts

I’m loving what the costume department are doing with Kurt this season, although he had very few outfits this episode. Colfer can wear anything and make it look incredible though, and those pants? Awesome.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

“I don’t think this is a real elevator”

“MC Hot Chocolate. Oh the life I never lived”

“Don’t actually thank her!”

I’ve picked a doozy for the Kurt Hummel solo this week – the wonderful, awesome, incredible Not The Boy Next Door. You’re welcome.

Until next week dear Gleeks, and be careful of those elevators…

The Hurt Locker, Part One (6×04)

This is what you missed on Glee…

Kurt and Blaine are still broken up, and they seem to run into each other all over town. Blaine and his new squeeze, Dave Karofsky, have moved into an apartment violently decorated in rainbows. In happier news, Brittana got engaged in the choir room, with a short but sweet proposal from Santana. Aww.

We met Becky Jackson’s new boyfriend, Darryl, who apparently has researched the possibilities of them having sex. Sweet. Sadly, his influence hasn’t stopped Becky being rude most of the time. All of the time, really. Rachel and Kurt bickered over running New Directions, then all of a sudden they’re on the road to sectionals. Yay?

Beiste made a startling confession; she is transitioning from female to male and the character will return in a couple of episodes as Sheldon Beiste. Sam is in charge of the football team while Beiste is gone, and both he and Sue were really supportive.

Also, there was Klaine angst. Lots of it. Every song, every pause, basically everything had Kurt staring off into space like a lovelorn puppy. Chris Colfer pretty much owned the episode (as usual), his pouty face is a weapon of mass destruction. It’s a force of nature. It’s certifiably irresistible.

 

The Hurt Locker, Part One

So apparently, in Ohio, anyone and everyone can walk in and out of high schools at will, as Will (lol) was in the McKinley High teachers’ lounge. However, I assume Emma still works there so maybe she got him a pass. Anyway, he is busy saying what a wonderful, amazing thing it is that he and Sue are bffs whilst her inner monologue is calling him a “maudlin imbecile”. Nice.

However, it is a green plastic fork which pushes Sue over the top and onto an epic rant of her hatred for Schue – “Son of a whoo-ore” Sue exclaims (in her head). “What kind of a psychopath refuses to dispose of an unused plastic lunch fork. I will not clean up after you! You crossed me for the last time”. Six years and all it finally took for Sue to break was a clean, green fork. Huh.

Sue has taken Becky to her “hurt locker”, a storage unit full of hatred memorabilia. Everyone is represented; there are Rachel’s hair extensions, a “missing” sign over Matt from season one (remember him?) and the “rage fork”.

The piece de resistance in Sue’s locker of rage is, however, her Klaine shrine. Yep. Sue has a secret back room full of all things Kurt and Blaine; a cardboard cut-out of their first kiss, their faces photoshopped onto a bride and groom picture, photos, ribbons and pink. Lots of pink. Sue explains that she has shipped Klaine since first they met, and pledges to do whatever it takes to get them back together with their, uh, “self-congratulatory sodomy”.

She explains this to Kurt (minus the bit about sodomy) but he is insistent that he is “not getting back together with Blaine”. Okay Kurt, just stop; we have only a few weeks left and everyone and their mother know y’all are endgame. Sue is annoyed that she won’t make it to Provincetown for their “fabulous gay wedding”.

Shout out to the Glee writers for basically throwing fandom’s complaints about continuity in our faces this season, because they’ve been bringing up everything that ever happened. We get it, okay?

Sue has organised an invitational for the New Directions, the Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline. To stop her four ND troops getting scared and running for the hills, Rachel tries to persuade Mr Schue to throw the competition, even though it’s just a friendly after all. “Go home to your wife and baby and think about what the Glee Club has done for you”. Right to the heart there Rachel. Will, because he’s a decent guy and Rachel is pouting, agrees. Sue is watching them, or course, through a little pink drone that she flies back to her office, terrifying kids on the way. It is Sue after all.

The next part of Sue’s plan is to get at Will through his “protégé”, Rachel, and break her heart. So naturally, she hypnotises Sam into kissing Rachel at the sound of keywords. Really, Rachel isn’t this dumb, is she?

Back in the auditorium and the Warblers are doing vocal exercises, while Blaine explains that they’re doing this for “bragging rights” and that he’s totally committed to his boys. Still miffed about Jane defecting to McKinley there honey? Blaine gets a text from Karofsky about an emergency in their apartment. You remember the one, right? A cute little studio that Brittany decorated to look like something from the Care Bear’s nightmares? Well, apparently it’s grown a bedroom since last week, with a smallish double bed, on which sits an adorable bear cub. The not-so-adorable bear is on a chair in the living room screaming at Blaine that he’s gonna get killed. Oh Dave, ya wuss.

Rachel and Sam are having dinner in Breadsticks, which Rachel appreciates because it’s been so long since she was out with a man she felt safe with. Wait – what was Kurt? He’s may hang out with the gals but he is all man, honey. I mean, doesn’t Rachel have eyes? They talk about how they’re not on a date, and they want to learn piano. As Sam shaved Blaine’s back in New York (!) he’s sure that he will help them out, and no they’re not on a date.

Kurt is not happy about Sue’s interference in his (and Blaine’s) love life. He tries and fails to explain the difference between “burly gay men” and burly carnivorous predators, and Sue replies by telling him that he’s pretty much perfect and, if had to, she’d eat him. Really. We all know Chris Colfer is just about the most beautiful thing on television since Buffy, but it’s still a little creepy as the camera pans up and down his “porcelain rump roast”.

As Sam explains that Brad the piano guy wasn’t asked to come back because he collects pictures of women’s feet, Sue and Becky descend in a lighting rig and Sue triggers Sam with the first of his hypnotic cues. As Becky calls Sue “a grade-A sassy bitch” the opening notes to, you guessed it, Bitch sound and we segue into the first musical number of the night, featuring Sue parading in slow-mo through the hallways spraying the kids with fire extinguisher. Dang that looks like fun.

Blaine and Karofsky are in Breadsticks, with apparently every guy that Karofsky has ever dated. They’re all the same; burly, bearded bears. He definitely has a type, and Blaine fits that perfectly, right?

Sue pops up, as of course this was her doing, and shows them a family tree which shows that they are third cousins as they shared the same great-great-grandfather. Also, Karofsky has some Russian cousins. Please tell me the Kurt/Russia thing isn’t coming back. As the boys protest, Sue reminds them to think about how they’re about to go home and have sex with a family member. I could hear the collective groans of Klainers all over the world. It wasn’t pretty.

Rachel and Sam are in the choir room, and Rachel is complaining (no! I hear you cry) that Blaine is pushing her too hard and Sue keep throwing things at her. One of these is literal; the other is not. I’ll leave it to you to decide which is which. Sam then shows Rachel how to play piano on his fingers, because an instrument is just an extension of the limbs. Yep, that’s right.

Sue is at Carmel High; it seems all her days are filled with her dastardly plan. She meets the new principal who is…Principal Figgins. Except it isn’t. It’s his sister – Iqbal Theba in a blonde wig and lipstick – and Principal is actually Figgins’ first name because he was the first born. You just can’t make this stuff up. Sue shows her the drone footage of Will swearing his allegiance to Rachel and New Directions in the auditorium. Oops.

Despite the fact that Rachel officially made Kurt her co-director last week they’re still squabbling in front of ND, as they breathlessly tell them about the invitational. “But there are only four of us” says ND, “doesn’t matter” says Rachel, “we’re screwed” says ND, “we’re screwed” says Kurt.

Will has been told off by Female Figgins, and storms into Sue’s office vowing to keep Glee Club at McKinley forever, which might be kind of hard seeing as he doesn’t work there anymore. Sue replies with a horrific tale of what happened when she broke into his apartment at Christmas; that his fruit cake “was actually three years of plaque that Brad the piano player had scraped off his teeth and collected into a small jar. And you never should have let me use your bathroom because the Minoxidil that you’ve been rubbing into your scalp twice daily for the last three years is actually just my pee.” Ew.

There is some more fab Glee meta as Sue brings up the “poor Irish idiot Rory”, the “black dancer”, “the kid with gross dreadlocks” and the band who can “play any song at the drop of a hat”. Next to all the Colfer, the writers making fun of the show is the best thing to happen this season. More, please.

Kurt is the auditorium with Male Figgins, asking him to clean gum off the seats, when Blaine comes in, obviously annoyed. After Figgins makes a hasty exit, Blaine tells Kurt of Sue’s shenanigans at Breadsticks. Kurt can’t believe Blaine and Karofsky are related any more than we can, but they both say that yeah, they want people to stop trying to get them back together. “You are my first love”, says, Blaine, “and you were mine”, Kurt replies. He then tells Blaine about his hot date tonight, with a guy he met online; Walter.

Darren Criss gives the best puppy eyes in the business and boy was that pain all over Blaine’s face. You could practically see his heart breaking all over again. He wishes Kurt well, and says that the guy had “damn well better know that he is on a date with America’s most eligible bachelor”. Cue the awkward hug, and as Blaine leaves Kurt tightens his shoulders and looks away, and Colfer says more with a minute of body language than most actors can with a page of dialogue.

Sam and Rachel are in the choir room yet again, and as they begin on the piano A Thousand Miles begins and of course, we are supposed to think they’re actually playing the song. Whether or not we’re supposed to think they’re actually barrelling down the street on a piano is another thing. Sam kisses Rachel at the end of the song, but as Sue’s hypnosis means he won’t remember it then I see trouble ahead.

The meet again in the hallway, and Rachel asks why Sam ran off after the kiss. “What kiss?” says Sam, and it takes Rachel asking him a couple more times to realise that he means it. Sam then helpfully apologises for leading Rachel on; says it’s not her “tiny booty” but the fact that he is still in love with Mercedes, poor girl. Rachel is confused, as am I by this entire plotline.

An adorably cute Kurt (seriously, how much more attractive can this person get?) waits in Breadsticks, which is the only place to eat in town, and asks an old waiter for some water. Only he’s not a waiter, he’s his date. Yep, Walter is 50ish and looks a lot older than when I last saw Harry Hamlin on television. He’s practically withered.

Kurt is surprised, as Walter’s profile pic is of him aged 30, which is how old he feels, so that’s okay then. Kurt’s mouth drops open as Walter explains that he was married to a woman for 33 years, has two adult children and only came out last year. Instead of sprinting screaming from the place, Kurt graciously accepts Walter’s offer that they’ll just be friends, and “see how that goes”. Kurt, honey, you’re too nice. Run. Now.

Sam, under Sue’s hypnosis, is stealing letters from Will’s mailbox, in broad daylight. Will arrives just in time and Sam tells him that Rachel made him do it, so that Will would get behind in his bills and distracted from Vocal Adrenaline. Also, Rachel holds Will responsible for Run Joey Run and Boco Horan. Seems legit.

In the auditorium, Vocal Adrenaline are getting ready to perform for the Invitational. Will is trying to give them a pep talk; Vocal Adrenaline say they don’t like him. “Go out there and win!” says Will. Wait – I thought the Invitational was just a friendly, non-competitive fun time?

Sue tells the audience solemnly “may the odds be ever in your favour” as the curtain rises, the group starts singing Rock Lobster and silence descends on the crowd. “He is so not throwing this”, says Kurt. Ya think? The four New Directions look terrified; a few of the Warblers are even crying. Will is lapping it up.

Back in Sue’s office, she and Becky (dressed in a lobster costume) are watching the antics via drone, and loving it. Will is too.

The show ends with Vocal Adrenaline performing Whip It, so I guess the Warblers and New Directions perform next week. Or not, who can tell with this show.

 

Songs

A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton) – Rachel & Sam A

Okay, I like this. Like really, really like this. I’m not usually the biggest fan of either Lea Michele or Chord Overstreet’s singing, but this is pretty awesome. My favourite song of the show.

Bitch (Meredith Brooks) – Sue B

My friends will tell you this is my anthem but nah, it really isn’t. I was surprised at how good Jane Lynch’s voice was, yes we’ve heard her rap but this was really quite good. I wouldn’t buy this version but it fit the show and brought a smile to my face.

Rock Lobster (the B52s) – Vocal Adrenaline C

I have an unhealthy obsessions with the B52s so this wasn’t too bad, and the vocals were pretty good, except for Max. His falsetto was pretty cringe-worthy to be honest. Can he leave now, please?

Whip It (Divo) – Vocal Adrenaline D

Yeah…not a big fan of the original and the only cover I’ll listen to is from Pitch Perfect. I did like the flowerpot hats and skirts, but had to fast-forward through this on the rewatch, and I’ve sat through Mr Schue rapping.

 

Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts

I gotta say Mr Hummel has got the most incredible collection of shirts this season, and they all fit just…perfectly. I’ve noticed that his style is more mature, yet not as playful as it was last season. I hope he adds some signature Hummel glitz before the season finishes.

“Blaine, there is no universe where you and Karofsky are related”

“And your photo definitely looks like you at some point in time…how old are you exactly” to Walter

“I mean look at you, you are exceptionally well-marbled. If I were on a deserted island with everybody I knew, I would definitely eat you first…a mouth-watering, delicious, corn-fed porcelain rump roast” Sue to Kurt

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

For your Hummel solo this week, I’m cheating a little, as it’s actually not a solo. However, Colfer looked fabulous and sounded incredible and he gets plenty of lines so yeah, here is his duet with the awesome Adam Lambert, Rockstar.

Until next week dear Gleeks, take a ticket and get off the line.

 

 

Jagged Little Tapestry (6×03)

This is what you missed on Glee…

The gang is back in Ohio, and by gang I mean lots of high school grads who had really silly reasons to return to small-town Lima. Anyway, Rachel is the new leader of New Directions (four members and counting) and Kurt is her assistant/co-coach/whatever. Kurt’s ex-fiancé, Blaine, is now dating his ex-bully, Dave Karofsky. Brittany and Santana are beautifully giddy around each other and Sam (who is the assistant football coach) is mooning over Mercedes. Quinn and Puck are still together, and Puck still only wears his dress uniform when every other airman in the country rips it off as soon as he leaves base.

Blaine is the temporary coach of the Warblers, and Will is in charge of Vocal Adrenaline. There are new people; one who can sing like Barry White, a couple of odd twins and a girl who transferred from Dalton just to piss off Blaine. Also, a post-gay who will end up bffs with everyone and the new White Male Leader of ND. There ya go.

 

Jagged Little Tapestry

Right to the jugular for the Klainers, this week’s episode opens with Kurt in the music store, Between The Sheets, lamenting the absence of Smash soundtracks. I feel you, Kurt. So does Blaine, apparently, as he rounds the corner of the display stand, along with Karofsky, who has an annoying habit of placing his hands on Blaine’s shoulders like a wise old grandpa; one of the many off-putting things about this ‘couple’.

We then segue into It’s Too Late, which has caused a lot of fretting and wringing of hands in parts of the fandom but is still a fabulous duet. It consists of flashbacks of Klaine in their Dalton finery, with past Kurt singing to current Blaine as Karofsky chats inanely in the background. It’s really well done, but I want to know how on earth they changed 2014, stud muffin Chris Colfer into 2010, sweet as pie Chris Colfer. Colfer has always been adorable and gorgeous but really, how did Glee turn back the magic of puberty?

Next we see Kurt and Rachel in the choir room, splayed on the floor in front of piles of sheet music. Mr Schue never had this much music, did he? Kurt says that he fantasised about signing It’s Too Late all over town with Blaine – when Glee laughs at itself it does it pretty well.

Rachel, good friend that she is, is complaining about having “to answer to” Kurt on show choir matters. Kurt, instead of slapping her upside the head, suggest they compromise on choice of theme for that week – mashing up songs from Carole King’s Tapestry album and Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill. Ever the diplomat, Hummel.

In the guys’ locker room, Sam is sniffing jockstraps as Beiste walks in complaining of bad sushi and being “on the pot” too long (tip: never eat dinner while watching Glee). Sam is apparently unfazed (which makes me wonder what other gastro-intestinal stories Beiste has shared with him). Beiste says she may need Sam to take over her job for a while, to which Sam replies that he’s worried about her and her “extra leg hair”, which he thinks is a side effect of her supposedly bad knee.

Spencer, who I will now and always refer to as “post-gay” arrives and demands to be made quarterback of the football team. Beiste demands that he play his current position and/or goes away, then says something about Fred Flintstone and man-plums. Yes, I know.

It seems Beiste is the only one on this show that will stand up to post-gay; Sue certainly doesn’t. Sam doesn’t either, as he whispers that post-gay is a “majestic knight riding a horse” and if he had his way, P-G would be quarterback.

Back in the choir room, and it seems that Brittany, Santana, Quinn, Tina and Puck have nothing else to do so have agreed to hang around McKinley for one more week. Unsurprisingly, Kurt and Rachel are squabbling and even more unsurprisingly, but disappointingly, Kurt again bows to Rachel and lets her pretty much take over.

Sometimes, well quite a lot of the time actually, I wish we had more of the Hummel and a lot, lot less of the Berry.

Another Glee in-joke, Tina replies with “just sit here and smile like I did for three years” when Jane is confused. I’m all for Glee meta, but I wonder how Jenna really feels about the ‘Tina being forgotten’ thing. I await the tell-all book with, well, glee.

Becky Jackson is back, but sadly in her bitchy, rude self, not the sweet season one gal we miss. Becky has a boyfriend, Darryl, and has told him that she is the president of every club the school has. So, naturally, she asks Quinn and Tina to help her sing whilst calling them “idiot”, “bitch” and “whore”.

We see Brittana in an adorably pillowy bed, cuddling and talking about the origins of scissoring. Also, they discuss helping “Berry and her sad gay” get the Glee Club back on top. The gals discuss moving to New York together, Santana going back to college and how much they’re adorably, sickeningly, “awesomely” in love with each other. It’s all very sweet, but is very obviously laying the foundation for an upcoming scene, which will make Brittana fans very happy indeed…

Sue is meeting Becky’s new boyfriend, and she (and I) are pleasantly surprised. Darryl is a cute, sweet, kind boy who assures Sue that his intentions for Ms Jackson are wholly honourable, which is more than can be said for Sue. She apparently had to divorce herself, poor lady. I hope she’s keeping up with the alimony.

Back to the choir room, and Santana and Brittany are signing their mashup of One Hand In My Pocket and I Feel The Earth Move. Something was off about the performance, and it was more than Brittany’s singing – there was no Brad Ellis at the piano! They brought Figgins back for season six but not Brad the piano guy? Outrage.

After the singing was over, IT happened. The Brittana proposal. Santana was very sweet, and honest, and vulnerable. “I wanna mashup with you forever” she said. Yes, said Britt. Roderick was confused, Kurt was shocked, Puck was nonchalant. “This kind of thing happens all the time in here” he says, wearing his blue service dress uniform. Again.

Kurt, however, wasn’t going to stay quiet. “Did you learn nothing from me and Blaine, we’re too young to get married, all of us”. Everyone disagreed with him and they all gathered around the happy couple for hugs and kisses and forgot about Kurt, who was wearing his bleeding heart on his sleeve and quietly stabbing it with a knife made of guilt. In other words, it was obvious his words came from a place of pain and his friends should have realised it.

It seems post-gay does want to spy for Sue after all, as he’s been hiding in the dirty laundry basket in the locker room watching Beiste. How fickle that boy is. He tells Sue that Beiste is wearing tight vests (from the “Victoria’s Secret truck drivers collection”) and taking pills. Is he doing it out of concern for her health? Nah, he wants Sam to take over so he’ll be quarterback. Boo.

The next scene is incredibly rude or incredibly snarky, depending on whether you root for Kurt or Santana. Objectively (because we Glee fans are objective, lol) Santana has a right be perturbed by Kurt’s outburst in the choir room after the proposal. Conversely, Kurt has a right to be treated a tad more gently by his friends as its obvious to everyone with eyes how much emotional distress he is in.

Santana makes a lengthy speech to Kurt, which consists of phrases such as “maybe Blaine got tired of hearing a shrill, self-aggrandizing lecture about how you felt the two of you were at the very apex of the gay rights movement,” “your strange obsession with old people that causes you to skulk around nursing homes like one of those cats that can smell cancer,” “a sexless, self-centred baton twirler,” and “you are utterly, utterly intolerable”.

Like her or not, that Santana’s got a way with words. Right to the heart of every insecurity Kurt has. And, because this is apparently “dump on Kurt and let it run down him like a chocolate waterfall” week, Kurt says nothing. He doesn’t have to, his face says it all.

Kurt is apologising to Brittany in the auditorium when she brings up the fact that she’s decorated Blaine and Karofsky’s apartment because yep, they’ve moved in together. Flashback to a studio with rainbows everywhere, everywhere; walls, floors, cushions, lamps. “Where is the bed” they ask. “I’ve taken it out” says Britt. “Because I thought of you two having sex and it was like a U-Haul mounting a moped. So no bed”.

In the choir room, Quinn and Tina are singing a truly lovely version of So Far Away, with Becky in the middle looking terrified. She misses her cues to sing, and then runs off.

Next is one of those all too rare scenes of Rachel and Kurt talking like actual friends. Rachel has acquiesced and agreed for Kurt to be co-director of New Directions and Kurt apologises for letting his heartbreak rule his head.

Say what you what about the Brittana proposal, as sweet as it was, but there’s no doubt the theme of this episode is Klaine. The theme of the mashups – two albums about breakups – is Klaine. The endless shots of Kurt, weeping, pouting and looking sad? Klaine.

I like Klaine, and want them together, but I’m not too proud to say that I’m loving the angst. No-one does angst better on this show than Colfer and Darren Criss, and we may as well enjoy these two acting together as long as we can.

Whenever I watch Colfer I think of that quote from Brad Ellis, that Colfer is “perfecting the almost lost art of extremely subtle acting for the camera…how a tiny shift of the planes of his face convey his thoughts and emotions”.  This episode is just about as perfect an example of Colfer’s acting as you can get, and it looks like he wasn’t even trying. In case I haven’t thanked Glee enough for bringing Colfer to the masses, thank you again. Thank you thank you.

In Sue’s office, she is confronting Darryl again together with Tina, Quinn and Coach Ros. Yes she’s back, and she seems to think that Becky is Sue’s daughter, or that Darryl is dating Sue’s daughter, as they all have Downs Syndrome. Because, obviously, one person with Downs is just the same as all the others, right?

Our next mashup is Will You Love Me Tomorrow and Head Over Feet, sung exquisitely by newbies Jane and Male Creepy Twin, Mason. I think there may be a showmance brewing between those two. Interspersed with them singing were flashbacks to the best of the Klaine scenes. Grab your hankies, Klainers.

Kurt, of course, is upset by the performance – see the Klaine theme again? – and is told by Rachel to “go home” after he tells the newbies that they’re not bringing the emotion.  He realises that hanging around the school, surrounded by people sing Carole King songs, might not be the best thing. It would be nice if people were just a bit nicer to him though, y’know?

Sue confronts Beiste in the locker room, about the absences and the pills (but not about having an unqualified assistant). Sue leaps to the conclusion that Beiste has cancer, and is surprisingly supportive, which makes Beiste feel bad because she went along with Sue and lied. But really, once Sue is in full flow who can disagree?

Beiste does, however, find the courage to tell the truth. In Sue’s office, with Sam there too, she tells them that she has gender dysphoria and is transitioning from female to male. She explains that she is on testosterone, and that is shortly going into hospital for a double mastectomy. Beiste explains things slowly and deliberately, as much for the audience as for Sam, and it is all handled with a remarkable sensitivity. Sue assures Beiste that her job will be waiting, and Sam will step in as coach.

Beiste tearfully says that she is finally going to make her “outsides match the way she feels inside”. Bravo Glee writers and Dot-Marie Jones. That was a wonderful scene.

At Breadsticks, because Becky and Darryl were thrown out of Fuddruckers because Becky hit the waitress. No, Glee, it’s not cute and it’s not funny. Darryl says he pretty much knows Becky has been lying, that she’s not the fifth member of 98 Degrees (what? It’s 2015!) and isn’t Angela Merkel’s “most trusted advisor”. Okay.

After Darryl says all the right things and assures Becky that he likes her anyway, she promptly pushes her smoothie on the floor because it’s sub-standard. Then they giggle.

It’s the end of the show, so that means a feel-good group number. As the alumni and New Directions sing along to You Learn and You’ve Got A Friend, everyone seems happy, especially us with that fabulous view of Kurt Hummel’s amazing pants. Seriously, how do they think he can sing in those things?

Rachel declares that they’re “on the road to Sectionals”. And so it begins.

 

Songs

It’s Too Late (King) – Blaine & Kurt A+

Putting aside the tears of Klainers, this is a pretty awesome duet. Colfer and Darren Criss have great voices and always sound great signing together. Also, it’s really nice to actually hear Colfer sing more than a few words…in many Klaine duets Criss gets the bulk of the action. Don’t get me wrong, I love Criss’ voice as much as the next person with ears, but Colfer’s exquisite voice can set you soaring into the sky. To paraphrase Kurt Hummel, with Glee and Colfer’s singing, they blew the best thing that ever happened to them.

Hand In My Pocket/I Feel The Earth Move (Morissette/King) – Brittany & Santana C

I was really kinda excited to hear Brittany sing after Problem last week. However, the whole performance was meh, and Britt’s performance was ugh. Heather Morris can dance like her ass is on fire but sing, not so much. Also, it helps in mashups if the two songs actually sound good together, y’know…

So Far Away (King) – Quinn & Tina A

While not powerful, Dianna Agron’s voice is enchanting; feather-light with a desperate sweetness. I’ve always loved Jenna’s voice – in my book she’s better than Lea – and always wished she got more solos or at least duets. Oh well, too late for that now.

Will You Love Me Tomorrow/Head Over Feet (King/Morissette) – Jane & Mason A+

My favourite song of the show. These two have the kind of voices which make me wish they had been around since season one. Head Over Feet is my favourite love song so I was kinda worried what Glee would do with it but nah, it’s fine. Wonderful, actually.

Just a really, sweet, nice mashup between two great love songs. Sigh.

You Learn/You’ve Got A Friend (Morissette/King) – Alumni & New Directions B

This song is growing on me, and You Learn is one of my favourite Morissette songs. Yeah, a pretty awesome group number to end the show with. And yes, you’re right, that was the diving Colfer singing. Magical, isn’t he?

 

Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts

The wonderful Mr Hummel was looking pretty fabulous in this episode, don’t cha think? But then again, when does he not? No Blurts this week, because honestly the whole episode was his fabulous lines, maybe I’ll add some after the rewatch. But those outfits, and those pants. I’m still  looking for the right gif. Oy vey.

Edit: I found the gif, so here are the pants in all their eyewatering glory. They’re magical; magical, wonderful pants.

tumblr_niec4vuZJt1qhuamdo1_r3_250

queerpeaks.tumblr.com

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Just like last week, I’m going to leave you with one of my favourite Kurt Hummel solos, because you can never get too much of Colfer’s voice. Also, after Glee, when will we get to hear him sing again? The thought is terrifying.

This week, it’s the wonder that is Colfer’s version of I’ll Remember. Enjoy, dear people, and see you next week.

 

Loser Like Me/Homecoming (6×01/02)

This is what you missed on Glee…

Season Five ended on a high for just about everyone; Rachel Berry was off to LA to do her very own pilot, “That’s So Rachel”. Seems all her dreams came true! Blaine was happy too, he had just moved back into the loft with Kurt and, now that Rachel was leaving, it looked like they would spend a happy few years at NYADA, wrapped up in their own little love nest. Ahh. And oops, if you’ve read the spoilers.

Sam had moved back to Ohio, after getting his picture on the side of a bus, and was last seen strutting around McKinley high looking into the classrooms. Don’t those schools have security? Artie was happily in film school (and STD free, hopefully)

Will and Emma were blissfully happy new parents of little Daniel Finn, Quinn and Puck were trying to make a long distance relationship work (lol) and Mercedes, having broken up with Sam, was all set to go on tour; taking Santana and Brittany along with her.

So now, dear friends and Gleeks, it’s time to move on to the last ever season premiere of Glee. There will be joy, laughter, tears and disappointment, but mostly there’s going to be the sense of family that we’ve all felt in the Glee fandom; the hope and optimism that brought us together all those years ago. As Rachel said in the very last line of season five:

“If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?”

 

Loser Like Me

The first episode of tonight’s two-part premiere. The opening scene is in a trailer; Rachel’s trailer, actually. There’s bad news on the phone and no-one’s smiling. Nancy (publicist) tells Rachel that reviewers are saying her performance in “That’s So Rachel” is “the kind that ends careers not starts them”. Ouch. As if on cue, Mr Producer walks in and tells Rachel that she is FIRED. He’s going to end up having to run another network. He’s got two families to feed. Oh, and he’d be FLOORED if Rachel ever works in TV again. Poor girl.

The opening notes of Uninvited play as we watch Rachel looking on forlornly as her sets gets dismantled, she gets driven off the lot in a buggy, and is unceremoniously handed a box of her things. Rachel places a large gold star in the box; the melodrama is laid on with a shovel. It must’ve been really cheap for Glee to film that scene though, it’s obviously the Paramount lot – I recognise the buildings.

Rachel, defeated and down, returns to Ohio – quite a while later though, we discover that she’s been in hiding – and balefully wheels her little case into her bedroom. She then has a strange conversation with one of her fathers, who tells her that a) her fathers are getting a divorce, and b) yes of course she’s welcome to stay but they’ve put the house on the market. “Oh my God, I feel like I died and now I’m in hell” says Rachel. Can we move on already, says I.

Ex-principal Figgins is now working in the Lima Bean, apparently; he surprised Rachel and Blaine (who appeared from nowhere) as they line up for drinks. Rachel is not so cleverly disguised in a floppy hat and sunglasses, but eagle-eyed Figgins recognises her immediately and loudly announces that her “humiliation makes me see that things can always get worse”. Nice.

We discover (with sadness) that Blaine is permanently back in Ohio because…yep, the spoilers were true. He and Kurt broke up. Klaine is no more. Sob. Things “got rough” after they began living together again, and Kurt decided they were too young. Blaine’s grades plummeted, he was dropped from NYADA, and now – thanks to Ebola virus amongst the Dalton faculty – is the new coach of the Warblers. Who’da thunk it?

After a mostly dull music break with Suddenly Seymour, the wonderful high-kicking back-flipping Cheerio is back on our screens and the dulcet tones of Sue Sylvester’s voice come to our ears. Yep, we’re definitely back in Ohio. We learn of Sue’s three-step plan which raised test scores and lowered BMIs. She forcibly transferred the Glee Club “transvestites”, turned the choir room into a computer lab and got rid of all arts and humanities teaching. Whew. It’s almost as if the scene was being set for intense dramatic rivalry later in the episode. Huh.

Finally! Our first sighting of the delectable Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel; my fave, your fave, everybody’s fave. He’s adorable. He’s also interning at the nursing home, and going speed-dating (not at the same time, lols). Kurt has apparently been trolling Tinder, bless. His dates are all kind of…strange, except the last guy who proclaims that “I don’t have to be psychic to see that you’re not over that guy”. Oops.

Blaine is doing his best to cheer Rachel up, even getting the Warblers to perform a cheesy rendition of Sing for her. Surprisingly, Rachel was still smiling afterwards.

Kurt is next seen going to meet a hot date at a restaurant (the date turns out to be middle aged) but all he – and we – are doing is flashing back to the Klaine breakup, which happened right there in that very same eatery. Excellent choice for a meeting place Kurt dear.

In the pouring rain, past-Kurt sits at the table as past-Blaine rushes in and excitedly tells him that he’s found a place that is free for their wedding on Labor Day. Past-Kurt is unimpressed and explodes at past-Blaine about a three-hour fight over toothpaste on a towel (yeah, I know). Past-Kurt then says that he doesn’t want to get married, and they should “call it quits before we completely hate each other”. “I’ll never forgive you for this” sobs past-Blaine. Both Colfer and Darren Criss as Blaine are so good at this emotional stuff, I just wish their characters were being angsty with other people and not each other.

We meet Sam, who is the new assistant football coach at McKinley, and the team has really improved since the school started recruiting out of state and buying apartment blocks for the player’s families. We also meet the “post-Glee gay” Spencer. Yeah, he seems like an asshat. Rachel then goes to beg Sue to reopen the Glee Club, and meets her new secretary, an ex-con chained to the desk who is fashioning a shiv for Rachel, unsurprisingly.

More new people! And I mean really new. Will explains to his adorable baby Danny all about his new team Vocal Adrenaline and how they don’t need his pep talks or dance moves. Ah Will, do you miss New Directions? A very silly segue into Dance The Night Away follows. I hope the guy from The Wanted was only booked for one episode.

Because this is Glee, Will, Sam and Rachel’s dad decide to stage an intervention, where she is basically begged to stop messing around and do something. This is very effective, mostly because they force her to watch the one episode of “That’s So Rachel”. Yeah, it’s pretty hideous. Imagine Friends on crack with no humour, everything offensive and a large, middle-aged Kurt. It’s worse.

Of course Rachel ends up with the new Glee Club, after asking the school superintendent and offering to pay for it herself. That was one heck of an intervention.

Kurt arrives at Rachel’s house, and tells how he went to the assigned spot in New York, six months after the performance of Pompeii, but was the only one there. Also, he’s back in Lima to get Blaine back. “I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me” he says. Ah Kurt, I just want to cuddle you and feed you ice cream. And cake.

Kurt, like the good “friend” to Rachel that he’s always been, helps her set up the choir room. Sue walks in, throws around some homophobic insults and sheet music, and steals a poster. If they think that’s all she’s got, they’re sadly mistaken.

The next scene is pretty much every Klainer’s nightmare, so feel free to skip my dears. Kurt is at Scandals, looking gorgeous as ever, hoping to win Blaine back. However, Blaine has other ideas; “I’m seeing someone” he says. Kurt immediately thinks it’s Sebastian Smythe but no, it’s his tormentor, his bully, his nemesis of the first couple of seasons, Dave Karofsky. Hiss. Blaine goes on to say how they met at a “Country Bear Night” at Scandals, and starting hanging out as friends. I know it’s just a show, and I’ve met Max Adler and he’s a lovely guy, but Blainofsky interaction is just a little nauseating. However, the scene with Kurt sobbing his heart out in the bathroom – heart-wrenching acting Colfer. A+.

So, Rachel moves into Will’s old office at McKinley, and it’s nice to hear them mention Finn. Will give her his “PRIORITY Help The Kids” sign, which another nice nod to the past. There’s very much a sense of the baton being handed on here. Rachel’s version of Let It Go closes the show, and there we have it – the first episode of the last season.

Songs

Uninvited (Alanis Morissette) – Rachel Berry B

Lea sounds as plaintive as Morissette at times during this song, and those times are pretty good. I didn’t like the weepy Rachel faces, but that couldn’t be helped I guess. All in all a good start to season six, Ms Michele.

Suddenly Seymour (from Little Shop of Horrors) – Blaine Anderson & Rachel Berry B-

Yeah, these two sound good together as always but the song is just meh for me. It looks pretty enough with the sets but I may have dozed off in the middle.

Sing (Ed Sheeran) – The Warblers/Blaine Anderson C

More Blaine Warbler and less Other Warbler would’ve been better. Even the dance moves were off for me, lots of grabbing themselves and leaping about. Where has the old Warbler magic gone? Probably with the old Warblers, duh.

Dance The Night Away (Van Halen) – Vocal Adrenaline C-

Despite (or maybe because of) having a real-life pop star in Max George from The Wanted this version falls flat on vocals. The dance moves were pretty awesome though, if a little convoluted. We only got a very short performance, which, looking back, is actually a good thing.

Let It Go (from Frozen) – Rachel Berry B-

Disclaimer: I’ve never liked this song, or Frozen, or Idina Menzel (sorry). But, although Lea looks lovely in the frock, this version isn’t as good as others I’ve heard. However, as a metaphor for the return of Rachel Berry to conquer all, it’s fantastic. Just have the mute button on.

 

Homecoming

“Nothing in life is certain except death, taxes and Dalton Academy” Blaine voiceovers as he walks through Dalton. He then talks about seeing a therapist after breaking up with Kurt, going “out of the box” by dating Karofsky and even stopping with the hair gel. Cue a couple of funny shots of a fuzzy, “bushy haired” Blaine and he’s back to gelling. As are all of the Warblers, apparently.

We also meet Jane at Dalton, her father and grandfather were at Dalton and they sued the school to take her, too. Isn’t the way it’s done with your alma mater? Jane wants to be a Warbler, Blaine dismissively says no. Jane frowns. Blaine leaves.

Meanwhile, over at McKinley, Rachel is slushied by Becky Jackson. All’s right with the world.

We’re at Will’s house, again (more times than the last few seasons put together I think) this time with a get-together to talk show choir. Blaine arrives late – that seems to be his thing nowadays – and Kurt, Rachel and Sam are already there. After the “we won’t poach or cheat” love-fest, Blaine explains the Jane problem. Everybody pretty much says that it’s 2015 and you need to move with the times, fella. Blaine is unimpressed.

Meanwhile, over at McKinley, Rachel hears a voice singing through the vents (yes really) and runs off in search of it, straight to the men’s shower room.

Surprisingly, the Warblers aren’t as progressive as one would hope (pupils in a boys-only private school – ya don’t say?!) and are vehemently opposed to Jane joining. Cat Warblers, dog Warblers, even squirrel Warblers are mentioned as prospective candidates should Jane get in, because yes women are comparable to animals. Sure.

Meanwhile, over at McKinley (last time I’ll do that, I promise) Kurt and Rachel are fussing over sheet music and what’s Kurt’s title will be. What, these two squabbling I hear you cry? Never. Kurt seems very happy at finding the “God mic” in the auditorium, when who should walk in but the entire cast of old New Directions! Well how about that. In a funny nod to the “forget about Tina” thing she runs in last, left to park the car by herself. It’s great to see the old gang again, but Puck, please, you don’t wear your service dress (blues) every bloody day. My dad was in the air force, I was in the air force reserve; I know this. Please stop.

Take on Me gives me a good excuse to put the kettle on, and we’re back. Roderick is another newbie, and he’s walking through the halls with his headphones as his voiceover explains that he’s a transfer from Chicago who nobody knows, and he’s just fine with that. Prime New New Direction material!

The Warblers, who have apparently been going since 1812 and hummed behind Francis Scott Key, have decided to let Jane audition before they kick her out. Because, you know, that’s fair. Blaine takes her to meet Rachel, “the greatest performer I’ve known” *cough*Kurt*cough* for a pep talk. You’ll regret it Blainey, mark my words.

Back to the men’s locker room again, only now it’s Kurt trying to recruit Spencer. However, Spencer’s not having any of it; you see, he’s a post-Glee gay who doesn’t like Lady Gaga or Archie and Jughead fanfiction. Okay then. Also, he’s actually a post-Modern Family gay because it’s thanks to that show that he’s free to be the asshat that he is. Good to know.

“You’re naïve if you think you’re not standing on our shoulders” says Kurt. “Glee Club sucks” say post-gay.

Jane’s Warbler audition is Tightrope, and she nails it, of course. And all the very straight “we all have girlfriends!!” Warblers just love everything about her. Well, she is kind of adorable.

The rage to recruit New New (wait – should it be three News?) Directions continues, with the alumni invaded the “Tea Party Club”. I prefer the name “teabaggers”, coined by Sam. After its president insults Barack Hussein Obama, gay people and several other groups, Sam gleefully (see what I did there?) tells them how lovely Quinn, former head of the celibacy club, “had sex with a Latina lesbian”. Oh Glee writers, what’s with all this continuity? It’s slightly unnerving.

Predictably, because you know the 1812 mind-set, the Warblers don’t want to let Jane join them. Blaine is incensed and declares he will threaten to resign if they won’t relent (wait, I thought you were just filling in anyway, dear?)

More New New New Directions recruiting, this time on the football field with the Unholy Trinity in their Cheerios alumni uniforms. Their version of Problem was awesome, I gotta say. Kitty is still at McKinley, and back to the hateful girl she was when first we met, but considering how Artie treated her when he left I don’t blame her. We don’t know exactly what he did (apart from sleep with a lot of girls) but she’s not happy. However, there are two new auditionees for the Glee Club, the “incest twins”, two very strange, well, twins. We’ll see more of them later.

The gang of old New Directions finally catch up with The Voice From The Vent, and of course it’s Roderick. They all surround him in the library like hungry hyenas. There’s lot of gushing about how wonderful Glee Club is and how much they still love it and you know he’s only going to audition to get them to leave him alone.

Sue, who now has a duodenal ulcer thanks to Rachel et al, tries to get post-gay to infiltrate the Glee Club, just like Quinn did all those years ago. New ideas Sue, please! She tries to bribe him with a Tom Brady flesh light (don’t think I’ll ever need to type those words again) but it’s to no avail. Post-gay is having none of her shenanigans, proudly stating “I’m not for sale!” Wait, where have we heard that before…

Mustang Sally is Roderick’s pretty awesome audition, he blows everyone away with his voice, even Rachel. We learn why Becky is back – she is the Grand Marshal of Homecoming. Makes sense. She tells everyone to bring books to burn on the bonfire. Oh Sue, what have you done to her? She used to be so sweet and not book-hating at all.

Rachel and Kurt are having the “very first meeting of the new Glee Club” in the auditorium when Blaine storms in, looking slight ruffled but acting very annoyed. You see, after her rejection by the Warblers Jane ran back to Rachel and asked to join New New New Directions (yeah, that’s the last time I’m writing that). She’s already transferred and everything. Blaine is not pleased, and snaps at Kurt, blaming him for the whole thing “after you saw me with Dave”. Oh Blaine, dear, do shut up.

Glee serves us up a treat at the end of the show with Home, one of those great group numbers we love them for. It’s also the incest twins’ audition piece, and yes they can sing but they are definitely weird. We see Santana and Brittany holding hands and skipping at the bonfire, we see post-gay singing in the shower (of course). We see Rachel, Kurt, Mercedes and everyone else having fun and dancing around with their friends. We also see Blaine tailgating with Karofsky’s arm around him but we won’t talk about that.

Episode two of thirteen done and dusted my friends, next!

Songs

Home (Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros) – Alumni & New Directions A+

This was great, a real feel-good song featuring the low tones of the divine Mr Colfer. Oh Chris, how I have missed thee. The other people who sang were good, too. The shots of the Homecoming and the bonfire, lots of happy friends just like the Glee we used to know. And no, I’m not talking about the two in the pickup truck.

Take On Me (Take That) – Alumni A-

The more I hear this song, the more I like it. Although I have to wear my shades because of the brightness, it’s the kind of fun Glee group song they used to do so well. I really love Kevin’s lines, too. Not a big fan of the copying-the real-music-video thing, not with Marley Rose’s Wrecking Ball or the thongfest that was Roar. Here, it’s just okay.

Tightrope (Janelle Monáe) – Jane A

No doubt about it, Samantha Ware has a fantastic voice, and she looks cute in a Warblers blazer though her hair is always a bit wild, but in a cool sort of way. Of course the boys love her (we ALL have girlfriends!!) and joined in with their signature jaunty dance moves. Nice.

Problem (Ariana Grande) – The Unholy Trinity & Artie A+

I would say something snarky about the producers giving Naya an Ariana Grande song, but I won’t. As usual, Naya’s vocals are on point – she was made to sing this kind of music. But Brittany – honey who knew you could sing like that! Quinn was her fantastic self as usual; I really enjoyed this especially with the Cheerios as reluctant backup dancers. Heh.

Mustang Sally (Wilson Pickett) – Roderick A+

Wow just…wow. This guy has an amazing bluesy voice and such power! With backups provided by the Unholy Trinity this was a great performance. Roderick can stay.

 

Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts

This is my section to celebrate the wonderful Kurt Hummel and what he says and wears during each episode. Because really, the wittiest fashionista on television deserves his own section, don’t you think?

“…where I will spend the year directing a stage production of Real Housewives, that I wrote myself”

“…you were clearly in the midst of a nervous breakdown” (to Rachel)

“We promise to learn your names” (to the AV club)

“Well I never agreed to be your assistant” (to Rachel)

“You’re naive if you don’t think you’re standing on our shoulders” (to Spencer)

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

And last but not least, and because we all need to hear more of Mr Colfer’s fabulous voice, each week you’re going to get a blast from the past of Kurt’s best performances, just to remind you how good Glee can be. Aren’t you lucky? I know I am.

This week, behold the wonder that Is Chris Colfer’s version of Being Alive. Settle in, grab some chocolate and tissues, and indulge. Repeatedly.