This is what you missed on Glee…
The gang is back in Ohio, and by gang I mean lots of high school grads who had really silly reasons to return to small-town Lima. Anyway, Rachel is the new leader of New Directions (four members and counting) and Kurt is her assistant/co-coach/whatever. Kurt’s ex-fiancé, Blaine, is now dating his ex-bully, Dave Karofsky. Brittany and Santana are beautifully giddy around each other and Sam (who is the assistant football coach) is mooning over Mercedes. Quinn and Puck are still together, and Puck still only wears his dress uniform when every other airman in the country rips it off as soon as he leaves base.
Blaine is the temporary coach of the Warblers, and Will is in charge of Vocal Adrenaline. There are new people; one who can sing like Barry White, a couple of odd twins and a girl who transferred from Dalton just to piss off Blaine. Also, a post-gay who will end up bffs with everyone and the new White Male Leader of ND. There ya go.
Jagged Little Tapestry
Right to the jugular for the Klainers, this week’s episode opens with Kurt in the music store, Between The Sheets, lamenting the absence of Smash soundtracks. I feel you, Kurt. So does Blaine, apparently, as he rounds the corner of the display stand, along with Karofsky, who has an annoying habit of placing his hands on Blaine’s shoulders like a wise old grandpa; one of the many off-putting things about this ‘couple’.
We then segue into It’s Too Late, which has caused a lot of fretting and wringing of hands in parts of the fandom but is still a fabulous duet. It consists of flashbacks of Klaine in their Dalton finery, with past Kurt singing to current Blaine as Karofsky chats inanely in the background. It’s really well done, but I want to know how on earth they changed 2014, stud muffin Chris Colfer into 2010, sweet as pie Chris Colfer. Colfer has always been adorable and gorgeous but really, how did Glee turn back the magic of puberty?
Next we see Kurt and Rachel in the choir room, splayed on the floor in front of piles of sheet music. Mr Schue never had this much music, did he? Kurt says that he fantasised about signing It’s Too Late all over town with Blaine – when Glee laughs at itself it does it pretty well.
Rachel, good friend that she is, is complaining about having “to answer to” Kurt on show choir matters. Kurt, instead of slapping her upside the head, suggest they compromise on choice of theme for that week – mashing up songs from Carole King’s Tapestry album and Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill. Ever the diplomat, Hummel.
In the guys’ locker room, Sam is sniffing jockstraps as Beiste walks in complaining of bad sushi and being “on the pot” too long (tip: never eat dinner while watching Glee). Sam is apparently unfazed (which makes me wonder what other gastro-intestinal stories Beiste has shared with him). Beiste says she may need Sam to take over her job for a while, to which Sam replies that he’s worried about her and her “extra leg hair”, which he thinks is a side effect of her supposedly bad knee.
Spencer, who I will now and always refer to as “post-gay” arrives and demands to be made quarterback of the football team. Beiste demands that he play his current position and/or goes away, then says something about Fred Flintstone and man-plums. Yes, I know.
It seems Beiste is the only one on this show that will stand up to post-gay; Sue certainly doesn’t. Sam doesn’t either, as he whispers that post-gay is a “majestic knight riding a horse” and if he had his way, P-G would be quarterback.
Back in the choir room, and it seems that Brittany, Santana, Quinn, Tina and Puck have nothing else to do so have agreed to hang around McKinley for one more week. Unsurprisingly, Kurt and Rachel are squabbling and even more unsurprisingly, but disappointingly, Kurt again bows to Rachel and lets her pretty much take over.
Sometimes, well quite a lot of the time actually, I wish we had more of the Hummel and a lot, lot less of the Berry.
Another Glee in-joke, Tina replies with “just sit here and smile like I did for three years” when Jane is confused. I’m all for Glee meta, but I wonder how Jenna really feels about the ‘Tina being forgotten’ thing. I await the tell-all book with, well, glee.
Becky Jackson is back, but sadly in her bitchy, rude self, not the sweet season one gal we miss. Becky has a boyfriend, Darryl, and has told him that she is the president of every club the school has. So, naturally, she asks Quinn and Tina to help her sing whilst calling them “idiot”, “bitch” and “whore”.
We see Brittana in an adorably pillowy bed, cuddling and talking about the origins of scissoring. Also, they discuss helping “Berry and her sad gay” get the Glee Club back on top. The gals discuss moving to New York together, Santana going back to college and how much they’re adorably, sickeningly, “awesomely” in love with each other. It’s all very sweet, but is very obviously laying the foundation for an upcoming scene, which will make Brittana fans very happy indeed…
Sue is meeting Becky’s new boyfriend, and she (and I) are pleasantly surprised. Darryl is a cute, sweet, kind boy who assures Sue that his intentions for Ms Jackson are wholly honourable, which is more than can be said for Sue. She apparently had to divorce herself, poor lady. I hope she’s keeping up with the alimony.
Back to the choir room, and Santana and Brittany are signing their mashup of One Hand In My Pocket and I Feel The Earth Move. Something was off about the performance, and it was more than Brittany’s singing – there was no Brad Ellis at the piano! They brought Figgins back for season six but not Brad the piano guy? Outrage.
After the singing was over, IT happened. The Brittana proposal. Santana was very sweet, and honest, and vulnerable. “I wanna mashup with you forever” she said. Yes, said Britt. Roderick was confused, Kurt was shocked, Puck was nonchalant. “This kind of thing happens all the time in here” he says, wearing his blue service dress uniform. Again.
Kurt, however, wasn’t going to stay quiet. “Did you learn nothing from me and Blaine, we’re too young to get married, all of us”. Everyone disagreed with him and they all gathered around the happy couple for hugs and kisses and forgot about Kurt, who was wearing his bleeding heart on his sleeve and quietly stabbing it with a knife made of guilt. In other words, it was obvious his words came from a place of pain and his friends should have realised it.
It seems post-gay does want to spy for Sue after all, as he’s been hiding in the dirty laundry basket in the locker room watching Beiste. How fickle that boy is. He tells Sue that Beiste is wearing tight vests (from the “Victoria’s Secret truck drivers collection”) and taking pills. Is he doing it out of concern for her health? Nah, he wants Sam to take over so he’ll be quarterback. Boo.
The next scene is incredibly rude or incredibly snarky, depending on whether you root for Kurt or Santana. Objectively (because we Glee fans are objective, lol) Santana has a right be perturbed by Kurt’s outburst in the choir room after the proposal. Conversely, Kurt has a right to be treated a tad more gently by his friends as its obvious to everyone with eyes how much emotional distress he is in.
Santana makes a lengthy speech to Kurt, which consists of phrases such as “maybe Blaine got tired of hearing a shrill, self-aggrandizing lecture about how you felt the two of you were at the very apex of the gay rights movement,” “your strange obsession with old people that causes you to skulk around nursing homes like one of those cats that can smell cancer,” “a sexless, self-centred baton twirler,” and “you are utterly, utterly intolerable”.
Like her or not, that Santana’s got a way with words. Right to the heart of every insecurity Kurt has. And, because this is apparently “dump on Kurt and let it run down him like a chocolate waterfall” week, Kurt says nothing. He doesn’t have to, his face says it all.
Kurt is apologising to Brittany in the auditorium when she brings up the fact that she’s decorated Blaine and Karofsky’s apartment because yep, they’ve moved in together. Flashback to a studio with rainbows everywhere, everywhere; walls, floors, cushions, lamps. “Where is the bed” they ask. “I’ve taken it out” says Britt. “Because I thought of you two having sex and it was like a U-Haul mounting a moped. So no bed”.
In the choir room, Quinn and Tina are singing a truly lovely version of So Far Away, with Becky in the middle looking terrified. She misses her cues to sing, and then runs off.
Next is one of those all too rare scenes of Rachel and Kurt talking like actual friends. Rachel has acquiesced and agreed for Kurt to be co-director of New Directions and Kurt apologises for letting his heartbreak rule his head.
Say what you what about the Brittana proposal, as sweet as it was, but there’s no doubt the theme of this episode is Klaine. The theme of the mashups – two albums about breakups – is Klaine. The endless shots of Kurt, weeping, pouting and looking sad? Klaine.
I like Klaine, and want them together, but I’m not too proud to say that I’m loving the angst. No-one does angst better on this show than Colfer and Darren Criss, and we may as well enjoy these two acting together as long as we can.
Whenever I watch Colfer I think of that quote from Brad Ellis, that Colfer is “perfecting the almost lost art of extremely subtle acting for the camera…how a tiny shift of the planes of his face convey his thoughts and emotions”. This episode is just about as perfect an example of Colfer’s acting as you can get, and it looks like he wasn’t even trying. In case I haven’t thanked Glee enough for bringing Colfer to the masses, thank you again. Thank you thank you.
In Sue’s office, she is confronting Darryl again together with Tina, Quinn and Coach Ros. Yes she’s back, and she seems to think that Becky is Sue’s daughter, or that Darryl is dating Sue’s daughter, as they all have Downs Syndrome. Because, obviously, one person with Downs is just the same as all the others, right?
Our next mashup is Will You Love Me Tomorrow and Head Over Feet, sung exquisitely by newbies Jane and Male Creepy Twin, Mason. I think there may be a showmance brewing between those two. Interspersed with them singing were flashbacks to the best of the Klaine scenes. Grab your hankies, Klainers.
Kurt, of course, is upset by the performance – see the Klaine theme again? – and is told by Rachel to “go home” after he tells the newbies that they’re not bringing the emotion. He realises that hanging around the school, surrounded by people sing Carole King songs, might not be the best thing. It would be nice if people were just a bit nicer to him though, y’know?
Sue confronts Beiste in the locker room, about the absences and the pills (but not about having an unqualified assistant). Sue leaps to the conclusion that Beiste has cancer, and is surprisingly supportive, which makes Beiste feel bad because she went along with Sue and lied. But really, once Sue is in full flow who can disagree?
Beiste does, however, find the courage to tell the truth. In Sue’s office, with Sam there too, she tells them that she has gender dysphoria and is transitioning from female to male. She explains that she is on testosterone, and that is shortly going into hospital for a double mastectomy. Beiste explains things slowly and deliberately, as much for the audience as for Sam, and it is all handled with a remarkable sensitivity. Sue assures Beiste that her job will be waiting, and Sam will step in as coach.
Beiste tearfully says that she is finally going to make her “outsides match the way she feels inside”. Bravo Glee writers and Dot-Marie Jones. That was a wonderful scene.
At Breadsticks, because Becky and Darryl were thrown out of Fuddruckers because Becky hit the waitress. No, Glee, it’s not cute and it’s not funny. Darryl says he pretty much knows Becky has been lying, that she’s not the fifth member of 98 Degrees (what? It’s 2015!) and isn’t Angela Merkel’s “most trusted advisor”. Okay.
After Darryl says all the right things and assures Becky that he likes her anyway, she promptly pushes her smoothie on the floor because it’s sub-standard. Then they giggle.
It’s the end of the show, so that means a feel-good group number. As the alumni and New Directions sing along to You Learn and You’ve Got A Friend, everyone seems happy, especially us with that fabulous view of Kurt Hummel’s amazing pants. Seriously, how do they think he can sing in those things?
Rachel declares that they’re “on the road to Sectionals”. And so it begins.
It’s Too Late (King) – Blaine & Kurt A+
Putting aside the tears of Klainers, this is a pretty awesome duet. Colfer and Darren Criss have great voices and always sound great signing together. Also, it’s really nice to actually hear Colfer sing more than a few words…in many Klaine duets Criss gets the bulk of the action. Don’t get me wrong, I love Criss’ voice as much as the next person with ears, but Colfer’s exquisite voice can set you soaring into the sky. To paraphrase Kurt Hummel, with Glee and Colfer’s singing, they blew the best thing that ever happened to them.
Hand In My Pocket/I Feel The Earth Move (Morissette/King) – Brittany & Santana C
I was really kinda excited to hear Brittany sing after Problem last week. However, the whole performance was meh, and Britt’s performance was ugh. Heather Morris can dance like her ass is on fire but sing, not so much. Also, it helps in mashups if the two songs actually sound good together, y’know…
So Far Away (King) – Quinn & Tina A
While not powerful, Dianna Agron’s voice is enchanting; feather-light with a desperate sweetness. I’ve always loved Jenna’s voice – in my book she’s better than Lea – and always wished she got more solos or at least duets. Oh well, too late for that now.
Will You Love Me Tomorrow/Head Over Feet (King/Morissette) – Jane & Mason A+
My favourite song of the show. These two have the kind of voices which make me wish they had been around since season one. Head Over Feet is my favourite love song so I was kinda worried what Glee would do with it but nah, it’s fine. Wonderful, actually.
Just a really, sweet, nice mashup between two great love songs. Sigh.
You Learn/You’ve Got A Friend (Morissette/King) – Alumni & New Directions B
This song is growing on me, and You Learn is one of my favourite Morissette songs. Yeah, a pretty awesome group number to end the show with. And yes, you’re right, that was the diving Colfer singing. Magical, isn’t he?
Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts
The wonderful Mr Hummel was looking pretty fabulous in this episode, don’t cha think? But then again, when does he not? No Blurts this week, because honestly the whole episode was his fabulous lines, maybe I’ll add some after the rewatch. But those outfits, and those pants. I’m still looking for the right gif. Oy vey.
Edit: I found the gif, so here are the pants in all their eyewatering glory. They’re magical; magical, wonderful pants.
Just like last week, I’m going to leave you with one of my favourite Kurt Hummel solos, because you can never get too much of Colfer’s voice. Also, after Glee, when will we get to hear him sing again? The thought is terrifying.
This week, it’s the wonder that is Colfer’s version of I’ll Remember. Enjoy, dear people, and see you next week.