This is what you missed on Glee…
Kurt and Blaine are still broken up, and they seem to run into each other all over town. Blaine and his new squeeze, Dave Karofsky, have moved into an apartment violently decorated in rainbows. In happier news, Brittana got engaged in the choir room, with a short but sweet proposal from Santana. Aww.
We met Becky Jackson’s new boyfriend, Darryl, who apparently has researched the possibilities of them having sex. Sweet. Sadly, his influence hasn’t stopped Becky being rude most of the time. All of the time, really. Rachel and Kurt bickered over running New Directions, then all of a sudden they’re on the road to sectionals. Yay?
Beiste made a startling confession; she is transitioning from female to male and the character will return in a couple of episodes as Sheldon Beiste. Sam is in charge of the football team while Beiste is gone, and both he and Sue were really supportive.
Also, there was Klaine angst. Lots of it. Every song, every pause, basically everything had Kurt staring off into space like a lovelorn puppy. Chris Colfer pretty much owned the episode (as usual), his pouty face is a weapon of mass destruction. It’s a force of nature. It’s certifiably irresistible.
The Hurt Locker, Part One
So apparently, in Ohio, anyone and everyone can walk in and out of high schools at will, as Will (lol) was in the McKinley High teachers’ lounge. However, I assume Emma still works there so maybe she got him a pass. Anyway, he is busy saying what a wonderful, amazing thing it is that he and Sue are bffs whilst her inner monologue is calling him a “maudlin imbecile”. Nice.
However, it is a green plastic fork which pushes Sue over the top and onto an epic rant of her hatred for Schue – “Son of a whoo-ore” Sue exclaims (in her head). “What kind of a psychopath refuses to dispose of an unused plastic lunch fork. I will not clean up after you! You crossed me for the last time”. Six years and all it finally took for Sue to break was a clean, green fork. Huh.
Sue has taken Becky to her “hurt locker”, a storage unit full of hatred memorabilia. Everyone is represented; there are Rachel’s hair extensions, a “missing” sign over Matt from season one (remember him?) and the “rage fork”.
The piece de resistance in Sue’s locker of rage is, however, her Klaine shrine. Yep. Sue has a secret back room full of all things Kurt and Blaine; a cardboard cut-out of their first kiss, their faces photoshopped onto a bride and groom picture, photos, ribbons and pink. Lots of pink. Sue explains that she has shipped Klaine since first they met, and pledges to do whatever it takes to get them back together with their, uh, “self-congratulatory sodomy”.
She explains this to Kurt (minus the bit about sodomy) but he is insistent that he is “not getting back together with Blaine”. Okay Kurt, just stop; we have only a few weeks left and everyone and their mother know y’all are endgame. Sue is annoyed that she won’t make it to Provincetown for their “fabulous gay wedding”.
Shout out to the Glee writers for basically throwing fandom’s complaints about continuity in our faces this season, because they’ve been bringing up everything that ever happened. We get it, okay?
Sue has organised an invitational for the New Directions, the Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline. To stop her four ND troops getting scared and running for the hills, Rachel tries to persuade Mr Schue to throw the competition, even though it’s just a friendly after all. “Go home to your wife and baby and think about what the Glee Club has done for you”. Right to the heart there Rachel. Will, because he’s a decent guy and Rachel is pouting, agrees. Sue is watching them, or course, through a little pink drone that she flies back to her office, terrifying kids on the way. It is Sue after all.
The next part of Sue’s plan is to get at Will through his “protégé”, Rachel, and break her heart. So naturally, she hypnotises Sam into kissing Rachel at the sound of keywords. Really, Rachel isn’t this dumb, is she?
Back in the auditorium and the Warblers are doing vocal exercises, while Blaine explains that they’re doing this for “bragging rights” and that he’s totally committed to his boys. Still miffed about Jane defecting to McKinley there honey? Blaine gets a text from Karofsky about an emergency in their apartment. You remember the one, right? A cute little studio that Brittany decorated to look like something from the Care Bear’s nightmares? Well, apparently it’s grown a bedroom since last week, with a smallish double bed, on which sits an adorable bear cub. The not-so-adorable bear is on a chair in the living room screaming at Blaine that he’s gonna get killed. Oh Dave, ya wuss.
Rachel and Sam are having dinner in Breadsticks, which Rachel appreciates because it’s been so long since she was out with a man she felt safe with. Wait – what was Kurt? He’s may hang out with the gals but he is all man, honey. I mean, doesn’t Rachel have eyes? They talk about how they’re not on a date, and they want to learn piano. As Sam shaved Blaine’s back in New York (!) he’s sure that he will help them out, and no they’re not on a date.
Kurt is not happy about Sue’s interference in his (and Blaine’s) love life. He tries and fails to explain the difference between “burly gay men” and burly carnivorous predators, and Sue replies by telling him that he’s pretty much perfect and, if had to, she’d eat him. Really. We all know Chris Colfer is just about the most beautiful thing on television since Buffy, but it’s still a little creepy as the camera pans up and down his “porcelain rump roast”.
As Sam explains that Brad the piano guy wasn’t asked to come back because he collects pictures of women’s feet, Sue and Becky descend in a lighting rig and Sue triggers Sam with the first of his hypnotic cues. As Becky calls Sue “a grade-A sassy bitch” the opening notes to, you guessed it, Bitch sound and we segue into the first musical number of the night, featuring Sue parading in slow-mo through the hallways spraying the kids with fire extinguisher. Dang that looks like fun.
Blaine and Karofsky are in Breadsticks, with apparently every guy that Karofsky has ever dated. They’re all the same; burly, bearded bears. He definitely has a type, and Blaine fits that perfectly, right?
Sue pops up, as of course this was her doing, and shows them a family tree which shows that they are third cousins as they shared the same great-great-grandfather. Also, Karofsky has some Russian cousins. Please tell me the Kurt/Russia thing isn’t coming back. As the boys protest, Sue reminds them to think about how they’re about to go home and have sex with a family member. I could hear the collective groans of Klainers all over the world. It wasn’t pretty.
Rachel and Sam are in the choir room, and Rachel is complaining (no! I hear you cry) that Blaine is pushing her too hard and Sue keep throwing things at her. One of these is literal; the other is not. I’ll leave it to you to decide which is which. Sam then shows Rachel how to play piano on his fingers, because an instrument is just an extension of the limbs. Yep, that’s right.
Sue is at Carmel High; it seems all her days are filled with her dastardly plan. She meets the new principal who is…Principal Figgins. Except it isn’t. It’s his sister – Iqbal Theba in a blonde wig and lipstick – and Principal is actually Figgins’ first name because he was the first born. You just can’t make this stuff up. Sue shows her the drone footage of Will swearing his allegiance to Rachel and New Directions in the auditorium. Oops.
Despite the fact that Rachel officially made Kurt her co-director last week they’re still squabbling in front of ND, as they breathlessly tell them about the invitational. “But there are only four of us” says ND, “doesn’t matter” says Rachel, “we’re screwed” says ND, “we’re screwed” says Kurt.
Will has been told off by Female Figgins, and storms into Sue’s office vowing to keep Glee Club at McKinley forever, which might be kind of hard seeing as he doesn’t work there anymore. Sue replies with a horrific tale of what happened when she broke into his apartment at Christmas; that his fruit cake “was actually three years of plaque that Brad the piano player had scraped off his teeth and collected into a small jar. And you never should have let me use your bathroom because the Minoxidil that you’ve been rubbing into your scalp twice daily for the last three years is actually just my pee.” Ew.
There is some more fab Glee meta as Sue brings up the “poor Irish idiot Rory”, the “black dancer”, “the kid with gross dreadlocks” and the band who can “play any song at the drop of a hat”. Next to all the Colfer, the writers making fun of the show is the best thing to happen this season. More, please.
Kurt is the auditorium with Male Figgins, asking him to clean gum off the seats, when Blaine comes in, obviously annoyed. After Figgins makes a hasty exit, Blaine tells Kurt of Sue’s shenanigans at Breadsticks. Kurt can’t believe Blaine and Karofsky are related any more than we can, but they both say that yeah, they want people to stop trying to get them back together. “You are my first love”, says, Blaine, “and you were mine”, Kurt replies. He then tells Blaine about his hot date tonight, with a guy he met online; Walter.
Darren Criss gives the best puppy eyes in the business and boy was that pain all over Blaine’s face. You could practically see his heart breaking all over again. He wishes Kurt well, and says that the guy had “damn well better know that he is on a date with America’s most eligible bachelor”. Cue the awkward hug, and as Blaine leaves Kurt tightens his shoulders and looks away, and Colfer says more with a minute of body language than most actors can with a page of dialogue.
Sam and Rachel are in the choir room yet again, and as they begin on the piano A Thousand Miles begins and of course, we are supposed to think they’re actually playing the song. Whether or not we’re supposed to think they’re actually barrelling down the street on a piano is another thing. Sam kisses Rachel at the end of the song, but as Sue’s hypnosis means he won’t remember it then I see trouble ahead.
The meet again in the hallway, and Rachel asks why Sam ran off after the kiss. “What kiss?” says Sam, and it takes Rachel asking him a couple more times to realise that he means it. Sam then helpfully apologises for leading Rachel on; says it’s not her “tiny booty” but the fact that he is still in love with Mercedes, poor girl. Rachel is confused, as am I by this entire plotline.
An adorably cute Kurt (seriously, how much more attractive can this person get?) waits in Breadsticks, which is the only place to eat in town, and asks an old waiter for some water. Only he’s not a waiter, he’s his date. Yep, Walter is 50ish and looks a lot older than when I last saw Harry Hamlin on television. He’s practically withered.
Kurt is surprised, as Walter’s profile pic is of him aged 30, which is how old he feels, so that’s okay then. Kurt’s mouth drops open as Walter explains that he was married to a woman for 33 years, has two adult children and only came out last year. Instead of sprinting screaming from the place, Kurt graciously accepts Walter’s offer that they’ll just be friends, and “see how that goes”. Kurt, honey, you’re too nice. Run. Now.
Sam, under Sue’s hypnosis, is stealing letters from Will’s mailbox, in broad daylight. Will arrives just in time and Sam tells him that Rachel made him do it, so that Will would get behind in his bills and distracted from Vocal Adrenaline. Also, Rachel holds Will responsible for Run Joey Run and Boco Horan. Seems legit.
In the auditorium, Vocal Adrenaline are getting ready to perform for the Invitational. Will is trying to give them a pep talk; Vocal Adrenaline say they don’t like him. “Go out there and win!” says Will. Wait – I thought the Invitational was just a friendly, non-competitive fun time?
Sue tells the audience solemnly “may the odds be ever in your favour” as the curtain rises, the group starts singing Rock Lobster and silence descends on the crowd. “He is so not throwing this”, says Kurt. Ya think? The four New Directions look terrified; a few of the Warblers are even crying. Will is lapping it up.
Back in Sue’s office, she and Becky (dressed in a lobster costume) are watching the antics via drone, and loving it. Will is too.
The show ends with Vocal Adrenaline performing Whip It, so I guess the Warblers and New Directions perform next week. Or not, who can tell with this show.
A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton) – Rachel & Sam A
Okay, I like this. Like really, really like this. I’m not usually the biggest fan of either Lea Michele or Chord Overstreet’s singing, but this is pretty awesome. My favourite song of the show.
Bitch (Meredith Brooks) – Sue B
My friends will tell you this is my anthem but nah, it really isn’t. I was surprised at how good Jane Lynch’s voice was, yes we’ve heard her rap but this was really quite good. I wouldn’t buy this version but it fit the show and brought a smile to my face.
Rock Lobster (the B52s) – Vocal Adrenaline C
I have an unhealthy obsessions with the B52s so this wasn’t too bad, and the vocals were pretty good, except for Max. His falsetto was pretty cringe-worthy to be honest. Can he leave now, please?
Whip It (Divo) – Vocal Adrenaline D
Yeah…not a big fan of the original and the only cover I’ll listen to is from Pitch Perfect. I did like the flowerpot hats and skirts, but had to fast-forward through this on the rewatch, and I’ve sat through Mr Schue rapping.
Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts
I gotta say Mr Hummel has got the most incredible collection of shirts this season, and they all fit just…perfectly. I’ve noticed that his style is more mature, yet not as playful as it was last season. I hope he adds some signature Hummel glitz before the season finishes.
“Blaine, there is no universe where you and Karofsky are related”
“And your photo definitely looks like you at some point in time…how old are you exactly” to Walter
“I mean look at you, you are exceptionally well-marbled. If I were on a deserted island with everybody I knew, I would definitely eat you first…a mouth-watering, delicious, corn-fed porcelain rump roast” Sue to Kurt
For your Hummel solo this week, I’m cheating a little, as it’s actually not a solo. However, Colfer looked fabulous and sounded incredible and he gets plenty of lines so yeah, here is his duet with the awesome Adam Lambert, Rockstar.
Until next week dear Gleeks, take a ticket and get off the line.