This is what you missed on Glee…
Sue set up an Invitational show choir competition between New Directions, Vocal Adrenaline and the Warblers. We saw Vocal Adrenaline’s performances and yeah, they were weird. We also saw Sue’s ‘Hurt Locker’, a storage unit filled with memorabilia of her enemies and, in the back, an enormous shrine to Klaine. I know several people on tumblr who would sell their soul to get on that set.
Kurt met his online date, who turned out to be in his 50s, with an ex-wife and two kids Kurt’s age. Sue hypnotised Sam to destroy the Glee Club renaissance and break Rachel’s heart, and Rachel is just lapping it up.
Also, New Directions is up to four members, but they are all very good singers so that’s okay.
The Hurt Locker, Part Two
We’re in the auditorium, right after the Vocal Adrenaline performance we left at last week. Sue, much to everyone’s dismay, changes the rules; rule one is that the theme is now ‘old school’, number two is that there are ‘no rules’ and yep, the competition is now a three day event. The Warblers will perform tomorrow and New Directions the day after. Gee, it’s almost as if Glee is conveniently letting you know the timeframe of the episode…
In the first of what is an epic hour of Glee meta, Sue reminds everyone of the most important show choir rule – 12 members – then adds that this is the rule people always seem to forget about. Hmm. Rachel and Kurt decide that the must recruit Kitty, despite the fact that Rachel is so self-obsessed that she never bothered to learn the names of the season four newbies. Hey, at least she admits it.
In Breadsticks, and Walter is telling Kurt of the time when a woman gave birth at one of the tables in the ‘90s. Breadsticks really is the only place in town. While Walter is prattling on, Kurt’s inner monologue is deciding whether or not this is a date. No, Kurt it is not. He fibbed to you about his ex-wife, his adult kids; ya’know, the important stuff. However, Kurt is nothing if not big-hearted, and when Walter leaves the decision to him agrees that it’s their second date.
Sue’s Klaine campaign is not to be derailed however, as she shows up as their waitress complete with a prom pic badge and oodles of zingers; a ‘Sippy cup for sonny’, Ensure for Walter (and his own Klaine badge) and a ‘children’s menu for baby’. Yes, Walter isn’t that old in real life terms, but compared to Kurt he’s positively ancient. Sue departs after Walter shuts her down, promising to return with his haemorrhoid pillow.
Bathed in pink light back at her Klaine shrine, Sue tells Becky about the couple by playing videos, form the auditorium kiss of The First Time to their performance of Come What May. ‘But how can you film a dream sequence?’ says Becky, adding that they can barely look at each other. Sue then utters the phrase which will be spinning around Tumblr for eons;
“Their chemistry is so intense Becky, if they were actually to make eye contact oh my, the emotion would be such they’d have to disappear behind the nearest dumpster and just hump hump hump hump hump.” Sue explains that the next part of her Klaine plan will end in ‘sticky frottage’. Okay.
Rachel is convincing, well begging really, Kitty to join New Directions. ‘You’re inherently selfish’ says Kitty to Rachel. Got that right. ‘Glee Club needs a top bitch’ says Rachel. All this truthing going around, I don’t know if I can handle it.
In the hallway, Blaine is coming out of the faculty bathroom, because he’s always wanted to use it, and now he’s kind of faculty so he can. Bless him. He and Kurt make their way to the auditorium to hear the Warblers, when lo and behold there’s an elevator. Kurt grumbles about McKinley installing it after they graduated, when really he should’ve been suspicious as hell and hauled ass outta there. But, no, the two go in, and only realise something is wrong when a) the lights go off, b) the lights go back on and none of the buttons will work. Oh, there’s also a bathroom in the elevator, so that might’ve been kind of a hint.
Back in the auditorium, Rachel is looking for Kurt and Sue mentions that the head Warbler, who has “some kind of fey name” said that Blaine is missing too. Strangely, Rachel doesn’t immediately suspect Sue has something to do with it. Maybe she’s new.
Anyway, the Warblers bound in to their rendition of My Sharona, then segue into You Spin Me Round. The New Directions look kinda terrified at their performance, but it could be all the awkward leaping around. Sue is loving it, almost as much as Jane Lynch is loving hamming up her character.
In the auditorium, Sue is again hypnotising Sam as part of her ‘break Rachel’s heart’ plan. She want Sam to convince Rachel to use what might be the world’s worst set list, including Justified And Ancient by The KLF and Tammy Wynette, which I actually kinda like.
We next see Rachel on the phone with the police, reporting a missing person. Apparently though the policeman on the other end has seen That’s So Rachel and Rachel hangs up when he starts dissing her acting. She’s not too worried though as Sam tells her that they’re probably at Sheets & Things registering for their wedding. Sheets & Things? Kurt Hummel? Guys, do you not know him at all?
Sam, in the middle of professing his love for Rachel, shoves the sheet music for Sue’s songs at her. Sam refers to Mercedes as ‘that old hag’, then is snapped out of his hypnosis by Rachel clicking her fingers. Rachel determines to go by her own instincts when it comes to Glee Club, even if it’s against her better judgement. Yeah, she’s gonna need all the help she can get.
In the elevator, Kurt and Blaine are getting fraught. I hope neither of them are claustrophobic. Blaine is nagging Kurt about not charging his phone every night (I do that too, and yeah my battery is shot) when a panel in the elevator opens and, enveloped in a cloud of smoke, in comes probably the best thing to come out of Glee, ever, even better than the Kurt puppet. It’s a Sue doll on a trike with a hideous yet immediately recognisable face – yes, it’s JigSue.
‘You’re trapped in an elevator where you’ll be forced to eat each other and then suffocate’ says JigSue. The only way out is to kiss – the collective intake of breath from Klainers around the world threatened to suffocate the rest of us. I was quite dizzy.
The guys attempt a feeble air kiss, but no, JigSue wants them to ‘really go at it’. Poor Klainers, this episode is going to be the death of them. At Blaine’s insistence that they’re not going to kiss for Sue, JigSue leaves and a hamper of food scoots out of the bathroom. Guys, just give in, you know you want to.
In Rachel’s office, she is complaining about the set list when Kitty offers to retrieve some very special songs from Sue’s office, having bribed Becky with “snack foods made of real sugar and animal shortening” to get access. Sue has a collection of songs to which she is ‘emotionally vulnerable’ and Rachel and Kitty get their hands on them. Oh Sue, if only you knew what you were in for.
In the locker room, Sam is trying to get Spencer, aka post-gay, to join the Glee Club. However, despite all he said about not caring what people think of him and his sexuality etc etc, post-gay is actually really worried about what the guys on the football team will think about him if he joins New Directions. Sam points at Finn’s framed jersey, which post-gay is conveniently sitting under, and explains how when Finn joined the Glee Club everything changed. It did, and we’ll miss Finn forever, but we really don’t need a replacement for him, especially with seven episodes left.
The police have arrived at Rachel’s office to search for Kurt (and Blaine, I assume) and it turns out the grumpy cop is actually the coach from the deaf glee club that performed in season one. Their funding has been taken away, so the coach is biding his time waiting for their return. He’s still kinda rude, though. As he rummages through the office, CopCoach says that Klaine probably eloped to New York, where they belong. But no, you don’t belong there Rachel, because you’re a quitter. Oh, and Blaine’s not gonna end up with that bully.
See what I mean about meta, or at least the Glee writers making fun of basically every fandom complaint that’s been tweeted or blog. No wonder they needed an eight month hiatus.
In the choir room, Kitty is defending Rachel’s talent to ND (yes, I know) and post-gay walks in and announces that he’s on the team. So, that make six New Directions; halfway there! In the elevator, Kurt and Blaine are trying to break out the ceiling hatch, and alternately sleeping while the other one watches them sleep. If it weren’t so obvious that these two are madly in love with each other, it would be kinda creepy.
It is New Direction’s turn to perform, which means Kurt and Blaine have been missing for about a day and a half. The six Glee Clubbers look adorable in blue, and Will and Rachel are now best friends again after the mailbox shenanigans of last week. They have realised that Sue was behind it all, which was obvious from the beginning of course. As Will tells Rachel to break a leg Sue appears with a bag of rotten tomatoes. Sue is the undoubted Queen of timing.
In the elevator, Kurt and Blaine have shed their jackets/sweaters/vests, but because it’s Kurt and Blaine they still have on at least two layers. The guys are playing heads up, and there are a couple of adorable lines where they reminisce about planning to name their celebrity child Fettuccini Alfredo, and Kurt’s MC name would’ve been hot chocolate. It’s obviously driven to show how connected there are, and how they both still remember all these little things about their relationship, but it doesn’t seem fake or forced at all. Of course, that might have something to do with Chris Colfer’s acting, as well as Darren Criss, who always seems to interact better with Colfer than his other co-stars.
The magic is broken, however, when Blaine mentions Karofsky, then JigSue cycles in much to the horror of Blaine, who is acting like he’s never seen the hideous (yet cute) little thing. JigSue says that, as the two refuse to give the world ‘the Klaine romance it desires’ she is going to turn things up a notch, and a noxious gas promptly pours in through the vents, guaranteed to go ‘straight to the male genitalia’. I’m really, really hoping this episode isn’t the last we’ll see of JigSue, she says things that even human Sue can’t get away with.
Back in the auditorium, Sue apologises for New Directions as they take the stage. They begin to sing It Must’ve Been Love as we flash back to the elevator, with Klaine realising that they’re going to have to really kiss to get out, and Kurt insisting that they both agree that it means nothing.
As the scenes flash between the auditorium and the elevator, with the song always in the background, Kurt and Blaine agree to kiss on the count of three. And, because it’s Kurt and Blaine, it’s not just a kiss, but a full-on tonsil tickling tongue fest that will keep Tumblr in gifs and squee posts for the rest of the decade. JigSue cheers, the elevators doors open, Kurt and Blaine disengage (I’m sure with a sucking noise) and then take off running out of the elevator – in glorious slo-mo. Can I just say a big, big thanks to the costume department because boy, those pants on Colfer, just….boy.
Kurt and Blaine arrive back in the auditorium, and Sue is surprised, nay, horrified to see them. She has bigger things on her mind though, and as ND begin to sing Father Figure Sue flashes back to the last few Republican election losses, she sobs at the concessions speeches of Romney, Bush and McCain.
Vocal Adrenaline are annoyed at ND’s performance, but pretty livid at Will dancing along with them. As we segue into All Out Of Love Sue flashes back to failed screen tests for Star Wars and Pretty Woman. Oh dear. Kurt happily sways to the music, then catches Blaine’s eye and they share a smile. Sweet. Poor Sue is flat-out sobbing, but she’s recovered enough to award New Directions first place at the Invitational, with a surprisingly enormous gold trophy.
Clint, which is the name of the character played extremely badly by Max George, tells Will backstage that he deserted Vocal Adrenaline for his ‘prodigal troll’ Rachel Berry. George’s American accent is just about the worst thing I’ve heard come out of his mouth, including the lyrics to Whip It.
Sue tells Will that something profound has happened to her, and that she has ‘purged’ her anger. Not all of it though; she presents Will with the clean, green fork and threatens him with bodily harm should he ever litter at McKinley again. Will, you got off lightly. If only you knew…
In Sue’s office, presumably the next day as Kurt and Blaine are in new clothes, Kurt calmly reminds Sue that she could go to the federal pen for twenty years for kidnapping. As Sue blames it all on Becky, Blaine says that actually her plan backfired as the elevator escapade only reminded he and Kurt that they’re better off as friends.
Sue was surprisingly calm about this defeat, and threw around some random insults about Karofsky as her retort. Really, you would think Kurt and Blaine would know her better by now.
At the Klaine shrine, Sue is telling Becky that yes, she is not fazed at all by the ‘failure’ of the elevator, that her plan is right on schedule and yep, it’s week five so Klaine are ‘friends again.’ According to Sue’s calendar they are in October, so just a few weeks until the anniversary of when Klaine first met.
Becky seems alarmed at the tight time frame, but Sue says “We still have six more weeks for scheming, possibly seven, depending on network pre-emptions”. Yep, I now take back every bad thing I ever said about the Glee writers. They’re having a ball with this last series and I love it.
In the choir room Roderick says how Rachel and Kurt are fabulous teachers, and you can just see Kurt’s chest swell. I do love it when people compliment Hummel; it doesn’t happen on this show nearly enough.
The show ends with the Glee Club doing the ‘amazing’ show circle, and we’re lined up for a great road to Sectionals.
My Sharona (The Knack) – The Warblers B
I liked this, and I can so see it as a song Blaine would pick. The new Warblers are growing on me, a little.
You Spin Me Round (Dead Or Alive) – The Warblers D
Not a huge fan of the original and this version is even worse. The lead warbler is okay but the background vocals are incredibly annoying. I really liked the dancing though.
It Must Have Been Love (Roxette) – New Directions with Kitty & Spencer C
Yeah, kinda disappointed with this one. I’ve never been a fan of Kitty’s voice, and it seemed to grate with Spencer’s. Also, the fact that they sang it together all the way through was weird for me, maybe a couple of solo lines may have helped. But I doubt it.
Father Figure (George Michael) – New Directions A+
Wow. Just…I’m gobsmacked. It takes a heck of a singer to make a George Michael song his own, but Roderick has done just that. Have had this on repeat for a while.
All Out Of Love (Air Supply) – New Directions A
I liked this, although I wasn’t expecting to. Madison’s voice is delightfully sweet, and it took away from the depressing lyrics, which is a good thing.
Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts
I’m loving what the costume department are doing with Kurt this season, although he had very few outfits this episode. Colfer can wear anything and make it look incredible though, and those pants? Awesome.
“I don’t think this is a real elevator”
“MC Hot Chocolate. Oh the life I never lived”
“Don’t actually thank her!”
I’ve picked a doozy for the Kurt Hummel solo this week – the wonderful, awesome, incredible Not The Boy Next Door. You’re welcome.
Until next week dear Gleeks, and be careful of those elevators…