This is what you missed on Glee…
Sue locked Blaine and Kurt in a fake elevator, ‘forcing’ them to kiss to escape. Kitty and post-gay have joined New Directions, and they won the Invitationals.
Blaine and Kurt were missing for the competition; they were kissing. Rachel and Will are friends again, and Samchel may be on, but Sue hypnotised Sam so anything could be happening really.
Kurt is dating late-middle-aged liar Walter, but he kissed Blaine in the elevator. Also, JigSue.
What The World Needs Now
We’re with Sam and Rachel in a McKinley hallway, arranging a ‘date’. Aww. Sam suggests the only place in Lima to eat/meet/do anything, i.e. Breadsticks, and as they part we segue into I’ll Never Fall In Love Again. Cue shots of them wandering aimlessly through yet more hallways, going up and downstairs while singing (safety note: don’t do this at home kids) until eventually they end up outside by the concrete stairs, where they awkwardly bump into each other in front of a kissing couple. I’m not the biggest Samchel shipper (not at all actually) but they do look kinda cute together.
In Brittany’s bedroom, she is doing an impossibly complex maths problem which she has somehow drawn into a cat, with her parents there looking confused. Apparently, Brittany’s mother has decided to tell her where she got her mathematical prowess from – and it’s not Pierce Pierce with his IQ of 60. To reiterate this, because Glee thinks most of its viewers are at the same level of intelligence, Pierce throws in a silly comment every couple of minutes. It gets old very quickly.
It turns out that Brittany’s father is actually the man with whom her mother had a fling after meeting in a pub – because the Brits are always in pubs don’t you know – Stephen Hawking. Yup, the ‘robot’ as Pierce calls him is the source of Britt’s genius. Okay.
Brittany tells her parents her own surprise; that she and Santana are getting married. Mama is overjoyed as is her ‘father’, although he’s also a little confused, obviously.
Sam and Rachel run into each other in the hallway and babble about why they both missed the Breadsticks date. Sam tells Rachel that he has a ‘little thing’ for her but still has a thing for Mercedes. And oh yeah, he has to run and teach a health class. Rachel must be confused as to how he can actually ‘teach’ a class because she replies with ‘I love you’. Total mental bewilderment can be the only excuse for that.
In the choir room, Kurt and Rachel are telling New Directions about their theme for the week – Burt Bacharach. Kurt – in one of the few times this episode he actually speaks – is very excited and does his adorable jumping around thing which makes the most wonderful gifs.
‘We need to soak up all the uplifting energy we can for Sectionals, which is five weeks away’. Five weeks eh? Won’t that be around the same time as the conclusion of Sue’s Klaine plan?
Kurt says they have a secret weapon, and that’s the cue for Mercedes to bound in the room. She’s always so smiley. Mercedes’ song Shaking My Head is number 89 on iTunes, and the kids are thrilled to have an actual star in their midst.
Mercedes is telling Rachel how weird it is to see her in the teachers’ lounge (tell me about it) and that Rachel’s place is in New York. When Rachel says she can’t go back, Mercedes says she has lined up an audition for Rachel, and has some ‘old school inspiration’ for her. Bring on the violent pink costumes and Motown girl-group choreography; it’s Baby It’s You and it’s kinda boring.
Brittany has asked Artie to be her wedding planner, and says that ‘scissors, lady kisses and tuna’ are the things that remind her of Santana. Sensing that they might not be at all appropriate for a wedding, Artie suggests a Heaven theme, and we see a quite adorable performance of Wishin’ And Hoping with everyone dressed as angels prancing about in white smoke. Also, Blaine is on a swing. I don’t know why.
Mercedes tells the New Directions (and Kurt, because yeah let’s just boss him around with everyone else) that they need to make Rachel ‘homesick for New York’. Lima isn’t just good enough for her, apparently. Kurt? He’s fine in Lima guys, no help needed…
Santana and Brittany are planning their wedding and Santana is saying how much she wishes he abuela was going to be there. So Brittany, naturally enough, dresses up as a candy striper and goes to Mrs Lopez’ house, pretending to be her new nurse.
Mrs L is taken in, of course, and eagerly chats to Brittany about weddings, love and telenovelas. Also, Brittany speaks Spanish now, and once ‘popped a hip’ in the throes of passion. Nice.
Brittany invites abuela onto Fondue For Two, renamed Queso Por Dos in her honour (I’m reliably informed by a friend on Twitter that is should be ‘para’). When Brittany says that maybe she and her ‘fiancé’ should elope, abuela says that no, when two souls are united there should be celebration. Of course, Santana is watching the whole thing on her laptop. Convenient, isn’t it?
In the auditorium the guys are looking fabulous in top hat and tails to sing Arthur’s Theme for Rachel. It’s a sweet performance, and Rachel flashes back to some pivotal NYC scenes, including her arrival in the red suit, and hugging a scrumptious-looking Kurt by the fountain. Ah, good times.
However, Rachel says that she’s not ready to go back, but Mercedes, who has nothing else to do except bolster Rachel Berry once again, says she ain’t leaving ‘til Rachel is.
Santana is upset with Brittany for Queso Para (thanks Anna!) Dos – aren’t we all – but Brittany makes an uncannily astute and perceptive speech about how young people should educate old farts, and they end up kissing. There was a lot more to Brittany’s speech, but it was so out of character, and about three years too late, that I was too stunned to make a note.
Sam is wandering around the school singing (again) only this time it’s Close To You. He eventually runs into Mercedes, who tells him that it’s time to move on and he should date Rachel. But wait – does that mean she wants him to tag along with Rachel to NYC too? Make up your mind, dear.
Mercedes is dating a Christian rock star called ‘Tank’ and although Sam is a little jealous Samcedes has definitely been friend zoned, so that’s alright then.
Rachel has decided to take the audition in New York, so asks Mercedes to look after the Glee Club. ‘But what about Kurt?’ says Mercedes. Are you kidding me? Says I.
‘He works better with collaboration, I don’t want the kids singing Into The Woods’ says Rachel. Are you high? Says I.
It all descends into tears as Rachel says how scared she is, and Mercedes says well that’s what happens when you foolishly burn your bridges and now you have to live with the consequences.
No, I jest.
Because this is Glee, Mercedes says something about not being scared to fail and that we all have to do it. Yes we do Mercedes, especially in certain professions like oh the performing arts, where auditioning and failing are part of the life. But, this is Glee.
Rachel’s audition song is Promises Promises, and we see her on the bus to NYC and in the theatre. She’s back where she belongs.
Brittany has brought Mrs Lopez to the auditorium, and we see Santana in a beautiful red gown sing Alfie. Abuela is surprised, but not in a good way, and is still against the Brittana marriage. Santana tells her that she loves her, but that she and Brittany is what real love looks like, and if she has to choose between the two of them it’s going to be Britt Britt. Aw.
Mrs Lopez leaves, and I hope that’s the last we see of her. Sometimes, ignorance just can’t be reasoned with.
Back in the McKinley staff room, Rachel is giddy after her audition and tells Mercedes she has never felt more at peace. Sam comes in, and after Mercedes’ tactful exit he and Rachel agree to reschedule the date and this time they’re going to…Breadsticks! Aha, had you going there didn’t I.
Brittana are escorted to their seats in the auditorium as Rachel announces that they have a problem with the seating arrangements at the wedding, as all of Santana’s family want to attend. The Glee Club and the alumni then saunter on stage, and Kurt says ‘family embrace you no matter what’. You remember Kurt don’t, you? He helps out Rachel with the Glee Club but not much else. He’s there to look pretty in the background. At least that’s what the writers think.
The group begin the Group Number Which Usually Ends An Episode Of Glee, namely What The World Needs Now. Also, it’s Glee’s 700th song, which is equal parts ‘awesome’ and ‘oh my God it’s really ending isn’t it’.
It’s the weekly dinner (or congratulatory dinner for Brittana I don’t know) at Will’s house, and this time we get to see token redhead Emma and adorably chubby baby Daniel.
As the song plays in the background, Blaine arrives late – it seems to be his thing – and he and Kurt (you remember him?) hug, slightly less awkwardly then last time. Then, in the best scene of the entire episode, Kurt looks out in the hallway for Karofsky, sees he’s not there, then gives one of those patented ‘oh that’s no big deal but really I’m secretly overjoyed but I won’t show it but I can’t help but smirk oh I’m such a little shit’ smirks that only Hummel can do.
Chris Colfer can project the entire condition of a relationship with an eyebrow raise, and just in case you don’t believe me here it is. See what I mean about gifs?
(I apologise for the negativity, this was the worst episode for songs since Bad Reputation)
I’ll Never Fall In Lovfe Again (Dionne Warwick) – Rachel & Sam D
Yeah, could’ve done without this in the episode. I had it muted.
Baby It’s You (The Shirelles) – Alumni (female) C
I don’t really see the point of this song, and the whole thing annoys me, particularly Rachel’s performance which is even more conceited than usual. Mercedes’ vocal are great though, as usual.
Wishin’ and Hoping (Dusty Springfield) – Blaine, Brittany, Artie & Sam C
This song would’ve been a lot better if not for Brittany; her voice just doesn’t go with the others. The angel scene was sweet though; the guys’ harmonies were the best parts.
Arthur’s Theme (Christopher Cross) – Alumni & New Directions (male) B
I love the original, and this is a pretty decent cover. The setting was the top hats was wonderful, too. My favourite song of the episode.
(They Long to Be) Close to You (Carpenters) – Sam B-
One of my favourite Carpenters songs, and no-one one will ever do it justice. Chord did okay, but there’s just no emotion in his voice. Sigh.
Promises, Promises (Dionne Warwick) – Rachel D
I don’t like this either, it just seems like more needless navel-gazing for Rachel. What a waste.
Alfie (Cilla Black) – Santana C+
Naya sounds great but I don’t like the song, and it’s all a little pretentious.
What the World Needs Now (Jackie DeShannon) – Alumni B
A nice group song, but not great or rousing like groups numbers usually are. Everyone sang well. That’s all I have to say about that…
Kurt’s Blurts & Shirts
One of the things I’m going to miss most about Glee will be Hummel’s outfits. I mean honestly, the costume department must think they’ve died and gone to heaven – Colfer looks amazing in everything.
However, as Kurt had so few scenes this week (and even fewer lines) I’ve put together a gif gallery for you. Enjoy!
“If the Olympics had a gossip event, Kurt would be Mark Spitz” Mercedes
“Rachel and I want our champions to celebrate another champion”
“You look like Peter Pan, but in a retirement home sorta way. I know a guy” Brittany
“Family are the people who embrace you with open arms, no matter what”
This week’s Kurt solo is a favourite from season five, Lucky Star. It’s from the episode Chris wrote, and I was really hoping he’d write some more for the final season. Well, seeing as how Ryan is apparently ordering rewrites with only a few weeks to go, maybe there’s still time…
Now, if only I could make a Peter Pan costume like that.